Time To Dream Again....

I'm in a spot where I know things are moving in a direction towards change, but I'm not entirely sure what that means. I feel like God has been working on me quite a lot in this short visit to Minnesota- I dont even know where to begin!

I've been longing to be back here for awhile now- two of my best friends are going through some pretty major life changes, and I wish I could be here to walk through it with them, but it hasn't looked remotely feasible to do so thus far... now I'm starting to see options. Things are lining up back here, now I'm praying that if it really is the Lords will for me to be here and walk through this with them that He changes circumstances down there... weighing options, for the moment time will tell.

Even if I do return to MN, I know it will only be a short season- my desire to be overseas is just increasing, and there's been a number of confirmations to keep pressing in that direction- strange thing is that I still cant seem to shake Africa as a dream, and I'm beginning to question if I'm supposed to. I talked to a man on Sunday who'd been a missionary in Russia for 13 years, he wound up praying over me, and then I found out that one of the girls that used to be a jr higher of mine has continued to raise support for me since I left back in the beginning of the summer. I'm encouraged... knowing that people still feel led to invest in the mission that the Lord has for me reminds me that He does in fact have a purpose and a plan in all this- I'm hoping that the right doors will be opened and that I'll press on in willful obedience to wherever He's calling me...

I'm starting to realise that I was trying to establish roots- but that they were roots of my doing, from attempting a relationship to getting myself in a solid job situation... not necessarily bad things, but not neccesarily God-things either. I think that when I returned to the states I was looking for a semblence of security, when really the only security I need is in the Lord- so lesson learned? I hope... Something opened my eyes, and I think I was trying to run away from the dreams and hopes the father instilled in me. I got burned and it was easier to just let go- In my conversation with the missionary on Sunday we talked about how missionary roots were different... and being "settled" when that's your wiring may not actually happen... I think I'm ready to dive in again and I have no idea what's ahead. I guess its time to dream again... praying for new opportunities- here I am Lord, send me. :o)

Ephphatha

All those people going somewhere
Why have i never cared?

Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so i can see
Everything that i keep missing
Give me your love for humanity

Give me your arms for the broken hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach
Give me your heart for the one's forgotten
Give me your eyes so i can see

Step out on a busy street
See a girl and our eyes meet
Does her best to smile at me
To hide what's underneath

There's a man just to her right
Black suit and a bright red tie
Too ashamed to tell his wife
He's out of work he's buying time

All those people going somewhere
Why have i never cared?...

I've been there a million times
A couple of million eyes just moving past me by
I swear i never thought that i was wrong

Well i want a second glance
So give me a second chance
To see the way you see the people all alone

This Brandon Heath song has been a favorite for awhile... but I feel like even though I say this is what I want- this is what I pray for, I dont really realise what it means...

Ephphatha- it means "Be Opened," and was the phrase Jesus spoke when He healed the deaf-mute man- in the same way the deaf man was opened physically, we need Ephphatha- for Jesus to open our eyes, our hearts to the ones around us.. I felt like that was happening today- I was oddly aware of things going on around me- and was blessed (if you can call it that) to have my heart broken several times today... do we realise that when we ask for His heart it may hurt a bit?

First it happened at Staples, my friend and I had been running some errands and had just survived a horrible Best Buy experience. (Now I'm patient with retail and service industry... I've been there- but I also notice the difference between being spread too thin and just being ignored) Anyhow, I will admit, while I stood there with 3 routers and couldn't get anyone to even ask if I needed help, and then proceeded to approach someone, who then informed us he could be with us in a few minutes (after he finished talking to his girlfriend) I was starting to lose patience... I made the rude under my breath comments and was probably less than cheerful at the checkout, but then we walked into Staples- where it was completely the opposite, people asked if they could help us find things, and then when we stood in line a guy offered to check us out- trying to help get us out faster- he then proceeds to go through the retail schpeals, offering batteries at this deal with this coupon and asking if we needed any of some other featured item. In the midst of this one of our purchases was rang up twice- a fixible problem, but in response my friend made a comment about how "If he wasn't so busy trying to sell us a bunch of stuff and paying attention to what he was doing that wouldn't have happened" And then I lost it. It wasn't so much the incident as it was the concept. Who is this man? He looked about 70... a 70 year old man working retail hasn't been able to retire- he has a story... and for some reason I hurt for him. I just realised how aware we need to be of those little things we say and do- we are capable of making or breaking someones day with simple words... there are people out there today who didn't once feel loved, didn't once feel appreciated, didnt once feel like anyone really saw them. Every single interaction we have with people is a chance to be Jesus to them- and we may be the only Jesus they ever see. What do they see when they look at me?

Then it was at work, a guy came in with a free pizza card and wanted to order a togo pizza- just one, and it was another one of those moments, I saw him and my heart ached, fairly sure he was homeless, someone had probably handed him the card, maybe they had nothing else to give- I wish I could know what story was underneath.

And then I got the Christmas gift- one of my coworkers slipped an envelope of money in my bucket, my sluething skills found out who it was, and to be perfectly honest- I wasn't expecting it... people are suprising, and most of the time we dont really know them, not like we think we do. Thing is, he took time to see me, see my needs, and that probably means more to me than the money did. I've been frustrated lately, really wanting to be home for Christmas, but after paying off water, electric, and other fun stuff it just wasn't looking feasible... I've been trying to help a few people out- covering things that should be shared expenses, buying food and this and that- but I feel like my hearts been in the wrong place. Maybe I'm doing what I "should" do- but I've been getting frustrated, and impatient, and really kind of needed an attitude adjustment. Someone offered to loan me money for a ticket- but then I have to pay them back, I wound up doing it, just trusting that things would work out... but then with that have been worried, There's the never ending list of things to take care of and thanks to someone who attempted to be a secret santa- it looks like they will. I feel like someone cares...

All those people going somewhere, why have I never cared? How many times a day do we let people pass us by without a second glance... without a care- when we can be God's hands to change the world.

Why have we never cared?

Be Ready In Season and Out of Season...

Occasionally I wish I could blog the same way people use twitter- processing my thoughts when they're fresh and on my mind. Unfortunately pulling out my phone in the middle of a shift and attempting to use my phone's qwerty keyboard to publish here may not be the wisest idea- instead you'll have to settle for some day old (or more) thoughts...

As previously metioned I've FINALLY been learning how to drive- I realised pretty quickly that i- until my schedule would coordinate with friends' it would probably never happen, besides seeing as I'll probably have to be taking road trips to Minnesota sooner rather than later with all the life changes occuring in my best friends' lives, I figured I wanted to be sure I was going to be a good driver- not just capable of passing the road test, and so, I've been taking lessons through Knoxville Driving School with a guy named Rick. Our first lesson we wound up talking about my story (he's a Christian) and since then I've gotten to learn more about his. Yesterday he told me that he felt like God brought me into his life for a reason (and yes- the thought of actually being used by God while I'm here in a waiting room kind of made me weepy) and anyhow, has decided not to charge me anymore, and will continue to work with me until I get my liscence. For free... Have I ever mentioned how incredibly amazing God's favor is?? I'm essentially going to recieve thousands of dollars of behind the wheel training for free. God is good :o)

This waiting room they call Knoxville is certainly an "out of season" time for me. I'm out of my element, not only stuck in this country, but also away from a lot of the people who are most important to me. I've been struggling lately with whether or not I'm really where I'm supposed to be, and what the purpose even is of my time here- but Tuesday night at work reminded me how important it is to be aware of what's happening right in front of me- even when my heart so deeply longs to be elsewhere, because God has me where I am at this time and will complete his purpose for me- Anyhow, I've already gotten to have some sweet conversations with coworkers- but Tuesday conversations with guests kept shifting to my faith... and Indian man sitting at my bar asked about my tattoos, and after I explained each one and walked through an abrviated version of my testimony wound up asking how my faith makes me different... The Lord gave me complete boldness with him... I can hardly remember my response, but I know it suprised even me :o) Later that night I was serving a group of guys, and again somehow the conversation shifted into my faith- they asked if I was religious... knowing I could potentially get in trouble for preaching the gospel to them while working I told them I could easily talk with them for quite some time about Jesus... but they probably wouldn't really be interested- their response was "Actually go ahead- we've got nothing else to do and you kind of have us curious" Ready, set, 20 minutes of gospel preaching... to a table, while I was working, within earshot of my manager.That time I'm positive nothing that came out of my mouth was from me. God uses us, even when we feel like we're stuck. Preach the word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage—with great patience and careful instruction.>(2 Timothy 4:2)

And finally, how He loves to give good gifts to His children... I know I'm always completely undeserving of His grace- but lately I feel like I've been stuck in such complacency... and so distracted that it's especially so. Yet He continues to meet all of my needs- sometimes before I even ask. I got a phone call from Red Robin the other day, I'd put in an application with them in July when I first moved here and they still remembered me. Long story short, without even trying I aquired a second job- went in today for what I thought would be an interview but really we just discussed how my Red Robin schedule will fit around my brixx schedule. The next few months are going to be very busy- but I'm hoping that the extra income will get me to a place where I can get caught up on those student loans, aquire a car, and hopefully, soon get to the point where I'm in better shape financially for whatever ministry He leads me into next. It's going to be rough- I know I'll be exhausted, but I will definitely need to rely completely on God's grace to sustain me- and that will be a good thing. Time will tell how long this will last. It's all in His hands.

Giving up my dreams for His is evidently a bit of a process...

Ice Cream Lady

Today was one of those days where I felt like God was speaking to me in little ways... over and over again.

It started with the behind the wheel man... (which by the way- drove on the interstate today and didn't die/kill anyone... success :o) ) I'm not entirely sure how we got onto the subject... perhaps it was my tattoos, perhaps it was how I wound up in Knoxville- but faith came up- and two simple little questions that I couldn't answer kind of smacked me upside the head. 1) What have you been reading lately... yeah- about that, I was reading James.... awhile ago. 2) What did the pastor speak on at church this week... well this week I opted for bedside baptist due to the fact that I get out of work at 130 AM and never get to bed until 3 or later... yeah- excuses... so thank you behind the wheel man... yeah- I need to reprioritize yet again. Point made.

And then there was the ice cream lady. I am a bartender. The past few nights this lady has been in, she's really quiet, comes in late, and sits at my bar eating ice cream and drinking water. Anyone see what's wrong with this picture? Ice cream+ water= well I don't know what they equal but I'm pretty sure it's not bar. Anyhow, after seeing her after night I was a) kind of annoyed and b) taking to calling her "Ice Cream Lady." And then it hit me- Ice Cream Lady is a person (revolutionary right?!?) But really, she has a name, she has a story, and more importantly- she has a soul... and all of a sudden as I'm pouring the last few beers of the night and breaking down the bar my heart broke... I started seeing her in a different light- perhaps God just gave me his eyes for a second, but I started to realise how hurt she is and how desperately she needs someone to know her name- recognize her as having worth... She seems lonely and I know there've been things that have made her who she is... hopefully it's not to late to learn them. Smacked upside the head once again- Ice Cream Lady's name is Brandy...

Let me fly....

When you're a creature designed to fly it's rather frustrating to be stuck in a cage on a perch... that's about how I feel right now. Staying put is not my forte- especially in this state. I realised just how out of my element I was today when I was telling one of my bar regulars how I really wish I could go to Romania for Christmas (the organization I went with the first time has a Christmas trip they do- you leave the day after Christmas and stay through the new year to help bring Christmas to the orphans) I really wish it had hit me sooner- if I had the time to secure the funds I'd be there in a heart beat. Anyhow, Nate- they regular looks at me and says, "I dont think I've ever seen you this excited about something..." Ouch... normally, when people know me they think I'm full of life and energetic, I haven't been lately... its hard not to fly.

Dear Blog, I've missed you....

I'm not entirely sure how a week away from my blog becomes a month... but before you know it it's mid November and your last entry was posted at the end of July. This is what we call falling off the face of the planet. Looking back on my old blog, I do have a tendency of ending it right in the middle of things- I'm fairly certain I posted an entry in which I was homeless in Menomonie Wisconsin, never to return to blog-follower's perspectives until I left for Guatemala... in all actuality within that time I interned at a church, led worship for cru, auditioned for a band, moved to Missouri, visited Guatemala, and moved back to Minnesota- can we say I have a slight tendency of leaving gaps?

Now to catch you up to current life- I am in fact, no longer living on Katie and Jon's couch- in fact I moved out a few months ago into a cute little condo where I currently reside with my crazy pup Lyric. I'm pretty much living at Brixx Pizza, bartending there five nights a week, recently I visited Minnesota for a few days- one of those things that was good, but left me more frustrated upon return. One of my best friends is going through a pretty ridiculous life change- had I known about this prior to signing a lease I probably wouldn't have... but now my heart hurts wanting to walk through it with her- Pretty much everyone who knows about the situation thinks it's acceptable to just plan to be there for set dates- but I've been trying to pray about God's heart in the situation... and thinking of where Jesus would be in it. Is it completely unreasonable to contemplate laying aside my current goals/dreams to minister to someone right in front of me? I think it may be... I talked over things with a couple of the ladies from my Minnesota bible study... and it's something I need to keep praying about- time will tell at this point I suppose.

For any of you avid facebook stalkers out there- yes, I was in a relationship, and no, I'm not anymore. Nothing was wrong with it, he's an incredible guy with an amazing heart... I just realised I was trying to make something I wanted happen in a way that made sense to me, rather than waiting on God's timing and His will. Letting go again... funny how many times I have to relearn to do that.

So where am I now? Where's my heart... my heart wants to be somewhere doing something!! I find myself often wandering to travel sights and dreaming of adventures to be had- but for now- this is where I am. Welcome to the waiting room.

Foxes have holes and birds have nests...

"...'Teacher, I will follow you wherever you go.'

Jesus replied, 'Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.'

Another disciple said to him, 'Lord, first let me go and bury my father.'

But Jesus told him, 'Follow me, and let the dead bury their own dead.'"

Matthew 8:19b-22

Foxes have holes and birds have nests... what about me?? This week I've been finding myself a bit anxious to have some semblence of consistency, tired of feeling displaced. I long to actually feel as if I live here- not like I'm just on a visit. I've been looking for apartments on craigslist, Katie's sent out an email- the right fit just hasn't turned up yet. I've been so blessed to stay here- dont get me wrong, but there is something to be said for getting to unpack...

I just finished my third day at Brixx, and so far things are going pretty well- it's more laid back than I'm used to, but I think once I start bartending and get a fairly consistent schedule I'll find my niche'. Fortunately they're cutting my server training period from five days to three so I'll be getting real people shifts on serving side next week, Saturday will be my first and maybe only bar training shift then I'll be good to go- not just a shadow :o) Before too long I'll be closing bar Friday, Saturday, Sunday and maybe one other day during the week... PTL for no more split shifts!!!

Besides getting myself on a consistent schedule, one of the things I'm commited to regarding my time here- however long it may be- is that first and foremost will be my church/community life- work will have to fit around that. I'm really hoping to figure out where I belong within the body of Two Rivers soon so I can start to feel at home there. Today, I met with the Jr High Youth Pastor and got another reminder of how much I've really missed working with youth, it's something that hasn't really been a part of my life since I left Menomonie over a year ago and it's high time to change that. It sounds like I'll get to love on 6th grade girls this year and maybe help with worship, I'm pretty stoked about that. During the conversation he posed some interesting questions as far as how long I'm here for, and if I'm starting to get any sort of sense of why I'm here... I guess it's too soon to tell.

Someday I hope I'll know why I landed in Knoxville Tennessee- but until then I know the most important thing is to not get distracted by what's ahead or next, and to focus on what's right in front of me because God's got me where I am at the moment I'm there for a reason, and I dont want to be staring ahead and miss what's right in front of me. I need to be following Him and glorifying Him in my daily life- abandoning all else.

That passage in Matthew 8 has always resonated with me- If we truly want to follow Christ we've got to be willing to give up EVERYTHING. If we want to go where He goes it may mean doing things that dont make sense- dont look right or practical to the rest of society... it may mean not really fitting in- it may mean feeling a bit displaced. The son of man has no place to lay his head... why should I?

And the verdict is...

Have I ever mentioned that my life is somewhat ridiculous... if not, I am now. I had a job interview today- in Knoxville Tennessee... I decided to come to Tennessee a little over a week ago- have been here a little over a week... and got a job today. I'm not entirely sure how it even happened, I'd decided to start putting some applications in, what harm could it do? I figured it would take some time before anything started to surface, and then at least I could kind of see what is out there- start weighing options...

Since arriving here I've been contemplating what's next- everything I'd planned on going pretty much out the window brings you to a place where there's a lot of options. I'm not going to Africa with the Dvorak family, so there's not necessarily the need to return to where I was figuring on leaving within a few months- I am however figuring on leaving the country sometime relatively soon- hopefully within the next year, so basically until then I need a place to live and work. Options : Minnesota, Missouri, or Tennessee....

Here's the thing, my life in Minnesota was starting to suck the "Joy" (sorry I know, it's mildly punny) right out of me... I wasn't really in "my element" and hadn't been for a long time. I love my family- that's obviously a big plus... but it's like those Misty Edward's lyrics that had resonated with me so much (see July 1, 2010 entry) I also have connected with this amazing group of woman and been blessed so much with having them in my life... but it's the sort of friendship that doesn't really change by being absent- they fought for me in prayer while I was in Guate- pretty sure they'll do the same for me in Tennessee. Unfortunately, work was pretty much consuming me though- being newer and having an open availability meant I was getting a lot of split shifts- so bits of hours here and there that pretty much consumed every day... couple that with a lot of creepy guys trying to weezel their way into my life, a lot of late nights with coworkers, and not really feeling like I had a "church family" or fellowship besides bible study.... the potential to destroy.

In the grand scheme of things I figure wherever I am right now is just a training ground for whatever lies ahead- it's all just my temporary home anyhow, so does it matter what the zip code is? Where I want to be right now is wherever the Lord wants me to be... and I'm thinking where he'd have me is going to be a place where I can be restored, built up, reaffirmed and better prepared before going out. In the short time being here I've already felt like I was coming into a legit representation of the body- my first sunday at church 2 different people who don't yet know me took initiative to pray for me, reaching out to someone they didn't know, I've seen prayer and listening to God be an active part of the ministry, the holy spirit present and moving throughout the people- not hindered or restricted to a box,visited a small group and actually had people inviting me in- genuinly caring to know my heart, and have already begun to develop connections and friendships with some of the girls here... I feel like this is a place I could honestly belong... for a season.

Then there's a job- I didn't pursue this job, didn't follow up with them, it basically fell into my lap. I went to the interview today, and had an awesome conversation with the manager- I was very real with him about who I am- mentioned that I've come here from Guatemala, he asked if it was for missions work- I straight up told him that my heart is in missions, and that's what I want to be doing sooner or later, and that basically for now I needed to work and pay off loans, and prepare for wherever I was going... Knowing this- knowing that I'm inclined to leave the country at some point- he offered me a job- a good one, I'm not getting the typical start out on the restuarant side, work your way up to be a closer kind of treatment- he hired me on the spot as a closing bartender, meaning I'll get regular long shifts, a regular schedule, and be working evenings where there's money instead of slow lunches. How exactly did this happen?

So there you have it, as of today, it's looking like I'll be residing in Tennessee for a bit, a place that wasn't even on my itinerary- funny how the Lord charts our steps... things always look a bit different when you give Him the reigns.

This Far

These are lyrics from a favorite Jason Gray song of mine, music really does speak to the heart. It's so relevent- here I am, completely not where I thought I'd be, having let go of a promise I thought I heard from Him... It is kind of haunting, am I really following His will... or have I gotten off track- it's hard to tell if I'm faithful sometimes... I find comfort in this song- I really dont believe He's brought me this far to give up- I just need to keep fighting for it- and be grateful for those glimmers I have had when I see how he's leading me :o)

The first time I heard You call my name
I saw the man that I could be
My life was like a gift that You gave to me
But now I’m haunted by the memory of
A promise I thought I heard from You
And I’m not as sure of all the things I thought that I once knew

I don’t believe You brought me this far to give up
So everyday I keep on fighting for it
Show me again what I was made for
Help me to see You’re still moving me

It’s hard for me to walk by faith
In the face of all that I can see
Sometimes I feel I’m just a fool for my belief
But then I feel You come and move in me
I hear You whisper in my ear
And for a moment I can see just how You brought me here

I don’t believe You brought me this far to give up
So everyday I keep on fighting for it
Show me again what I was made for
Help me believe You’re still moving me

With each passing glimpse of Your promise
You’re leading me on
Don’t let me falter now

I don’t believe You brought me this far to give up
So everyday I keep on fighting for it
Sometimes it’s hard to tell if I’m faithful
Or for me to believe You’re still leading me

I don’t believe You brought me this far to give up
So everyday I keep on fighting for it
Show me again what I was made for
Help me to see You’re still moving me

I still believe cause You carried me this far

Tennessee

Never underestimate the power of a loving King who delights in giving good gifts to His children... What a blessed... and occasionally spoiled child I am. For those of you who dont know, I'm now safely in Lenoir City Tennessee and it was quite an adventure getting here.

I arrived at the airport and while at the ticket counter, asked the agent if there was any way to get me in a window seat- he informed me the flight was full, but that he'd see what he could do... I figured it was a lost cause and prepared myself to deal with my middle of the row-back of plane seat. Once inside I decided to track down coffee to use up some of the lingering Q I had left, coming down the stairs after my latte I had to do a double take- of all the flights to end up on, the highschool girls who had been volunteering at the same orphanage as me wound up on the exact same one- so bizarre! We figured we'd most likely never see each other again, it was so encouraging to get to talk about what God had been doing in our lives over the week- and to actually have traveling buddies to hang out with! :o) As we were catching up all of a sudden they're calling me up to the counter... apparently my asking for a window seat warrented an upgrade to first class... my life makes me laugh sometimes :o)

We boarded the flight and for about 5 minutes I tried to act like it was no big deal to be in first class- and then I gave up and decided to allow myself to be amused from everything to the full dinner they served to the hot towels we got beforehand- so ridiculously favored sometimes, I had to laugh when I contemplated what the kids I had been talking to in line must have thought to see me sitting there... (rich dad I'm guessing they figured) And I realised how true that was... We are children of a King- and he blesses us far beyond what we even need.

The rest of the trip wasn't exactly smooth, storms caused us to be rerouted to Charleston, turning a three hour flight into a seven hour one. Then it took two hours for my guitar to make it from the check point to baggage claim- we left the airport at midnight for a flight that should've been in at 6:15... but now here I am, I have to laugh when Katie introduces me, the typical answer as to how long I'm here is "Indefinitely" and I guess we'll see- there's not really a reason why I have to rush back to Minnesota- its kind of strange to literally have no plans or direction... I'm in Tennessee right now- and that certainly wasn't part of my plan! I dont know what the future holds, but I do know who holds it.

Reasons Why Guatemala is Beautiful

Yesterday a woman at the earth lodge asked me if I felt victorious… as if I’d overcome something and embraced what could have been a bad situation and made it a good experience… at first I wasn’t sure- but as I swing in a hammock and look out at the mountains while writing this I realize the answer is yes, though I’m pretty sure the victory belongs to that loving King I serve. Though I have a pretty horrible story to share, there are also good ones and blessings in ten-fold.

That’s what this particular post is going to about- focusing on the glimmers. It reminds me of my freshman year of college when a roommate and I had a particularly frustrating evening, leading me to post a list on our door of reasons why life sucked, warning all who entered- The next morning I replaced it with another, slightly more kosher list of reasons why life is beautiful- and it is- it’s a precious fascinating thing...

For your entertainment and for nostalgia's sake I'm posting those here as well...

(Sorry Katie, I kidnapped your photography- but you photographed my awesomeness, so fair game :oD)

The second list is difficult to read- so I want to highlight numbers 10 to infinity-

10) Christ didn't come for the perfect

11) He washes away our imperfections and makes us whole in Him

12) He has an incredible plan for our lives

13) We belong to Him

Infinity: He is with us always

Funny how something I wrote almost five years ago now can be so relevant to today... The girl on my floor who had photographed these also blogged about them- and the fact that the new list showed up in the morning- "Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes in the morning" (Psalm 30:5) And it does- though we may go through life experiences that bring us to a place of breaking, He is with us, we are His, and He has an incredible plan for our lives... Joy will come in the morning!

So here it is, my reasons why my time in Guatemala is beautiful in its own special unique way

*Those kids… I wish I could’ve brought Jostin, Maria, and Noemi home

*Being able to connect with Delmi, the severely epileptic girl-seeing her smile!

*Holding babies for hours and hours, and though getting physically tired, but not being tired emotionally

*Not understanding the words being sung during worship at church- but realising we're worshiping the same God

*Praying with the Dvorak boys when they were scared and being able to get them peacefully to sleep

*Living in the mountains

*Hiking in the woods on a daily basis- being surrounded by Creation

*Experiencing village life- going to tiendas

*Spending time in Antigua- not getting lost!

*Acquiring a Swiss-travel buddy for a day- pretty fun!

*Getting to be good friends with Donna

*Being able to share my testimony with a group of girls here with the Suzi Mag group

*Finding my way to the worship service without getting kidnapped, maimed, or lost!

*Experiencing America Latina Christian school- a ministry run with love

*Incredible lightening last night! Watching a lightening storm over the mountains from a hill

*Lovely sunny days mixed in with the dreary rainy ones

*Riding in a Tuk-Tuk by myself

*Taking a chicken bus that didn't get robbed

*Finding a hostel that has a tree-house lodge and serves amazing food!

*Feeling like God’s hands were totally all over my departure- and how immensely blessed I was in the process

*Even when I travel alone there are people back home caring about me and praying for me

*The fact that right now, at this very moment, I’m in a hammock, surrounded by mountains and volcanoes- and going to sleep in a tree house

*Learning more and more about how I’m wired, and listening to where God’s calling me- not where others want him to call me

*Making a difficult decision and not backing down from it

*Re-realizing yet again, how important it is to function within our God passions

*Having no idea what each day holds but knowing it is in His hands

Pretty sure I serve an awesome God!

Pressing On

This grieves me as much as some of the biggest hurts I've had- the devestation I felt after the most recent email from Becky pained me in a way that broadsided me... I've been telling people it hurts worse than a break up, I think it's because she cut into the single most important aspect of my life- the entirety of who I am... my faith.

I successfully got myself from Guatemala City to Antigua yesterday, meandered around Antigua and saw what I wanted to see without getting lost, hopped on a tuk tuk, and got to the resort the Susie Magazine group was staying on... Did I mention I dont speak a bit of Spanish? Occasionally when I look back on the stupid things I do I wonder how my parents sleep at night... All this went off without a hitch though, and I was so glad I made it to the worship/devotional.

First off I wound up talking with a group of highschoolers- totally energized by being around them, they wanted to know the whole story as to how I wound up there- so we wound up with an hour long "Story time" where I shared my *ahem* supposedly invalid testimony (yeah- yeah, I know, that sounds a tad spiteful... :op) Anyhow 9 new facebook friends later, we headed down for the message. I love how the same words can touch so many people in such different ways. She was talking about Philipians 3, how every gain Paul had was worthless compared to the infinate value of knowing Christ Jesus... how we need to become radically like Him- how remarkable is it that Paul wrote this from a prison, saying he wants to know Christ MORE- that we should press forward with intensity, regardless of our external situation because our internal calling remains the same. Our entire world can crumble, but knowing him is what consumes us... EVERYTHING ELSE IS GARBAGE!!! How perfect is that... my dreams and hopes for Africa: dead; my plans for the summer: out the window; How I anticipated my time in Guatemala to be: ha!.... but in the midst of this "Roman Prison" I want to know Him more than ever. I will not let this black cloud hover over me- I will press on towards what's ahead.

What needs to resonate in our hearts- every fiber of our being is not how we've known Christ in the past, or how we will know Him in the future- it's knowing Him in all His fullness, at this very moment...

What can I say? What can I do? But offer this heart oh God, completely to You

Sometimes love what happens when I put my iPod on shuffle and see what songs come on... These lyrics from the Bethany Dillon song "All That I Can Do" seemed relevant :o)

I ran around the room again
I ran outside and ran back in
And I just couldn't get away from myself
I don't care what tomorrow brings
I won't back down for anything
I want to think that I was made for something else

I can't wait anymore
I'm ready to reach
So I'm closing the door behind me

All that I can do is hold onto you
And follow where you lead
Where you're leading me
All that I can do is hold onto you
And let you bring me through
It's all that I can do

There are days I think I don't need you
There are days when I can't see the truth
I need you to save me from the lies
Because every thought that's in my head
And even when I draw my next breath
You knew it all before there was time

When the waves begin to rise
And all my hope fails
In confidence I'll close my eyes
Trusting you'll be there

Positioning Moves...

I sit in a small Antigua cafe, watching horse drawn carriages clip clop by while sipping horchata (rice milk drink) and begin to rummage through my purse- hoping to find something to read as I wait for my salad- tucked inside my bible I find a reading entitled "Overcoming Blocks and Hinderances to hearing God's voice." (It had been from a bible study meeting months ago and for some reason I still hung on to it) As I began to read I felt as if these particular words were a message straight from God to me:

"...some of God's commands are simply positioning moves and are never meant to be fully carried out. Instead, God re-directs us in midstream. An example of this may be seen in Genesis 22, when God asked Abraham to sacrifice his son. However, as Abraham began to act in obedience to this order, God changed it, telling him not to sacrifice his son. Now was Abraham's first word from the Lord wrong? No, God was simply positioning Abraham in order to fulfill one of God's goals for his life. Once the test was completed, God discontinued the action midstream with new orders."

This was one of the biggest aspects of my testimony that was wripped appart- I was told God's calling is irrevocable, and if I don't follow it blood is on my hands- later in the final meeting I had with Becky, she disected my entire testimony, essentially establishing it as invalid, telling me that God wasn't really ordering all these steps or calling me all these places- I was simply running from His calling. Now, perhaps I've had more postitioning moves than some- particularily for my age, but each and every one of them came with fruit... I've encountered different people along the way, shared my faith, developed some of my closest relationships... I am choosing to rest in the fact that that's what they were- God's moves to fufill HIS goal for my life.

It still hurts.

Letting go of plastic pearls yet again...

I love pearls. Typically you'll find me wearing a plastic strand, regardless of the clothes I'm wearing. My pearls remind me of a story I heard a few years back in Sr. High youth group. In the story a little girl named Jenny had a plastic strand of pearls that she loved very much, she wore them everywhere and each night, after her father read her a story he would ask "Jenny do you love me?" to which she'd reply, "Oh yes daddy, very much" he'd then ask her for her pearls, and she would try to offer up something else that was special to her...anything but the pearls! Finally one night when he came in to read to her, she was sitting on her bed with tears in her eyes, clutching the plastic necklace- she gave it to her father and he pulled out a strand of genuine pearls... He had them all along! The father had just been waiting for Jenny to give up the plastic ones. I am Jenny... I hang onto hopes, plans, dreams, jobs, family, friends.... all good things, but often times I just need to let go- because God has something even better when we do. Sometimes even things that seem good and wonderful are not what God wants for us- but that requires us to trust... trust is scary, it requires to give up what we know and love, things we cherish- without knowing that we'll get anything in return.

This week I let go of a strand of pearls I'd been clutching tightly for quite some time: I've been hoping, planning, and dreaming about Africa for almost a year now. Shortly after dropping everything to go to Guatemala I realized Africa with this missionary family was not my calling...and I tried to fight it. Every day working with them was a struggle- it didn't coincide with a God-passion, I couldn't connect with the mother- she was very difficult to work with and abrasive... One the other hand every time I worked with the orphans my heart would break for them, I continuously found myself connecting to the kids no one could reach, and every time I took a day to fast and pray, I heard consider your calling... Everytime I heard from God, it wasn't what I wanted to hear. I considered my calling and re-realized yet again: I love working with youth, leading groups, worship, missions, orphans, reaching out to the unloved of the world... seeing the unseen... Would any of this be fufilled in going to Africa with this family? The more I asked, the firmer the answer became- going with them would dedicate the next two years of my life to nannying those children, and as I saw in my month working with them, my interaction with the people I so desperately want to love on would be limited... And so I let go- and wasn't quite prepared for the aftermath that followed.

They could tell I was hiding something, and she wasn't the sort I felt I could confide in or trust... so I held it in longer than I should've and was evasive, and that I regret and shouldn't have done- but when it finally came out I wasn't expecting the aftermath that followed.

In two days I was called up for three seperate meetings, all with no notice therefore no time to prepare mentally, emotionally, or spiritually- in these meetings everything I am: my story, my relationship with God... my entirety was wripped to shreds. I was told I have no faith, that God hasn't really called me on this crazy path I've followed, that I had a deceptive spirit, and that my attitude was affecting the other volunteers (both of whom were sick, which was why they were withdrawn- it had nothing to do with how I'd been treated) This is just skimming the surface of the words spoken over me the past few days. All this because of being evasive regarding removing her on facebook (did I mention she's a bit scary!), deciding against africa, and because I started asking for a day off after not having one free day in the month I've been here. My heart hurts.

In the midst of all this- God has been so present... I was told to change my flight to Wednesday- no regards to the fact that I spent everything I had to come to Guatemala, I was also told I would be moving to the team house to stay there by myself from now until then- that was when I knew it was time to leave- within hours of people finding out what had happened the following events occured:

* One of the highschool volunteers slipped me about 50 dollars worth of q

* The house mom from downstairs gave me q for food

* The highschoolers also stuffed my pack with all of their snack food (this is a huge deal when you're serving in an orphanage where all you eat is beans and rice- essentially equivalent to the widow giving her two mites)

* Three people offered to pay to change my ticket

* Another person booked and covered a hostel for me to stay in

* Two friends put money into my checking account

* Another gave me credit card info to cover anything that was needed, also provided a phone card

* I wound up at a Christian B&B

God is so immensely good beyond anything we can comprehend or imagine- much of His provision came from places I didn't even expect. Even when the "church" beats you up, His love reaches past that.

I dont really know what's in store now, I know He does, and whatever it is, He's got it covered. I've decided not to book my flight change until I'm sure there isn't somewhere else in Guatemala I'm supposed to be- and when I do go back to the states, I'll begin looking into the opportunites with Reach Global- I'm going somewhere, I just dont know where :o) I've let go of another strand of plastic pearls- cant wait to see the genuine ones that come out of this mess.

Considering my calling...

Today a group from Susie Magazine(Formerly Brio) came to help with some projects (Painting the school house etc). First off, I was pretty excited that it was a Brio group- I had always wanted to go on their trips when I was growing up, it was also fun getting to talk with them a bit- if I can get a night off I'm hoping to go hear Susie Shellenburg speak- it'd be refreshing to hear a teaching in English!

In the midst of all the chaos of having 30-some extra hands on the grounds, I again found myself contemplating... what is my calling? The other night I wound up doing a bit of an impromtu devotional time with the two volunteers who came to spend a few weeks here, and will actually be doing devotionals and worship with them a few times a week, but then even with this group here I found myself interacting with them very comfortably- sharing my story as to why I'm here etc... It was funny because I started to realise I give off a bit of an "administrative vibe- people tend to ask me questions and expect me to have answers- I realised while standing there that I could very well see myself doing stuff like this all the time, working in a ministry such as an orphanage, where I work hands on with the kids, but also where I minister and work with the teams that come... I would be so "in my element."

And then there was Delmy... I dont know how that girl has such a place in my heart, but she does- I think we somehow connected on Sunday- now when she sees me she calls out to me, and always wants hugs, she trusts me... and she doesn't act like this with anyone.

Considering my calling...

I'll turn my back on every other love and I'll press on...

Currently the lyrics to a Misty Edwards song have been resonating with me a lot...

I will waste my life, I'll be tested and tried
With no regrets inside of me to find I'm at Your feet

I'll leave my father's house and I'll leave my mother,
I'll leave all I have known and I'll have no other

I am in love with You, There is no cost
I am in love with You ,There is no loss
I am in love with You, I want to take Your name
I am in love with You, I want to cling to You Jesus
Just let me cling to You Jesus

I'll say goodbye to my father my mother
I'll turn my back on every other love and
I'll press on yes I'll press on

Basically that says it all- I'm leaving everything I know and love, but dont really see it as a loss, I know I'll be tested and tried.... but as long as I'm at His feet I'm where I want to be.

Its the small things with great love

Today had been a rough day- those of you who read my email updates know this has been a very challenging time in Guatemala... so much I've been processing... so much I've been learning, and just some trials I've been facing. It just keeps resounding- over and over, consider your calling. When I do that, when I ask- "What is my calling" I think, loving the unloved, seeing the unseen, caring for orphans, working with youth, worship.... and then I wonder, was what I had planned to do in Africa really going to be considering my calling. I love the boys- but- there's a huge but, my heart, my passion isn't for homeschooling them... its for loving on those orphans. New opportunities have come, and I've been praying over them- I can make plans in my heart- but ultimately His purpose will prevail. I know that in a matter of months I will be saying goodbye to all I know and love for this purpose, but now I'm not sure of where that is.... I'll go where you send me! Just tell me where that is!

In the midst of all this confusion- its funny how tiny little things can give you glimmers of hope- how getting a chance to minister to teenagers who've come to volunteer by doing devotionals can totally energize me (reminding me of my calling) and how someone can feel led to give a donation to sow into my ministry- and have no idea what a huge impact that had on my day. Thank you- I know you were doing a "small thing" and have no idea how significant that decision was... I was feeling discouraged and rather alone, seeing that was such a God-moment for me, it reminded me that there are people standing behind me, supporting and praying for me, it reminded me that God will provide, even when it seems impossible, it reminded me that I'm not alone. Thanks :o)

God IS good :o)

Ephphatha

To see the world through Jesus' eyes... how different we would be if this was the case, and how precious it is if He gives us a glimmer of it. On Sunday all the girls, their house mom, and I had been invited by Mirsa to her house for lunch following church. It's funny how when you're just expecting to have luch with a Guatemalan family the Lord can do so much more.

One of the girls is severly epileptic, to the point that most of the time she's stuck sitting in a chair for her safety, and literally has to have someone holding on to her all the time. Yesterday I was walking her over to her chair after helping her wash her hands and she refused to sit down- Donna and I weren't quite sure what was going on, but she took my hand and led me around the house- she just wanted to look around! The other girls had a soccer ball out and were kicking it around, and next thing I knew I spent an hour holding Delmy's hand so she could run around and play... and then I realized- this is being Jesus... that little girl, a frustrating as she can be at times, just wants to be seen- and loved... imagine if you were stuck in a chair all the time, watching everyone else around you live their lives. My heart broke for her.

Then I was struck with how genuinely the church this family was- here they were, welcoming these girls into their home- and it wasn't like a pity thing or a project... when they're there those girls are princesses... It was like Mirsa was having all her grandchildren for lunch. So legit...

So what would life be like if we really saw people and loved them the way Jesus does...

I'm not dead! Yet...

It's been more than a week since I last posted... and it's not for lack of material to share, to be completely honest I have sat down to write this blog for the past ten nights and then realised I'm simply too tired to complete coherant thoughts. Even as I begin to write now I'm doing it somewhat begrudgingly- so bear with me!

Things have been hard, but good. I'm exhausted- the little ones are up around 530 am, I'm with them until 10, then during weekdays head up to help with the Dvorak boys, done with that around 4, and then it's back to the little boys until bed time. No such thing as real breaks there. Especially now, a new baby arrived, and between the infant and the two month old I rarely have a free left arm, and often times one of the toddlers is trying to occupy my right arm simultaneously. I have an abundance of adorable kid stories, most of which have made for fun facebook status'.

Sundays in and of themselves are interesting, the boys typically watch with fascination as I apply make-up, and this last week were intrigued by my skirt... this often results in the best compliments ever- I apparently look like a princess :o) I'm wishing more than ever I spoke spanish, I love the style of the church and the way they encourage unhindered worship, but the message is challenging because I dont actually understand a word of it... with worship it's easy to not care about understanding, but when it comes to trying to learn something it can get frustrating. This past sunday I was blessed to get some time with my girls who I worked with the last time I was here- one of the girls, Erika, had her birthday on Saturday, and God totally used it to provide some much needed companionship, I finally had the chance to talk to the new house mom, and have been so blessed to get to know her and actually have fellowship :o)

Tomorrow will be my first day homeschooling the boys solo(typically I work one on one with one of them, and then teach music, art, or drama to all of them in the later afternoon)... we shall see what becomes of that!

That's probably the hardest thing about being here, the solitude... which is funny because I'm never alone, and yet in some ways I'm more secluded than I've ever been in my life... I need to be refreshed- praying for a break soon!

Free day... sort of... um relatively so?

Today was, in theory, a free day (up until evening) . Now keep in mind that I'm living in a childrens home, and that one boy in particular has my heart wrapped around his finger... and when he stands outside my door calling Joysh Joysh...( Yes, that's what he calls me) I just cant ignore him... and so, when I was attempting to write trivia for friday's, I did what I was warned not to do, and let him in... and of course where there is one there is 6(at least in this case). Fortunately I've learned how to say dont touch in spanish, because I had to use it a lot, and securing crayons substantially lowered the chaos... for about five minutes, and so I was juggling between attempting to get work done, and watching 6 boys. Fortunately all survived, and were exceedingly happy when my guitar came out :o) I also played some Britt Nicole for them- now that was a sight to see. Picture 6 guatemalan boys- ages 1-4, dancing around the room to "The Lost Get Found" high quality. The girls are also vying for my time (I was downstairs with them the first time I was here) so I wound up heading down to play guitar for them a bit as well- Jostin of course insisted on coming with, and looked pretty pleased with himself when he got to. His latest thing is sitting by me while I'm playing guitar and essentially air guitaring. After a relatively occupied morning free I headed to the Dvorak's, which is where I am now :o) Aside from being squirrelly on account of being stuck in all day, it was a relatively uneventful eveing- no ER adventures today (though I think that wound up being a bonding moment for Marcos and I... ) Looking forward to sleep!

Playing Mom 101

Today I got an introduction to the Centro de Salud (medical center) ,hopefully wont be spending too much time there! I took the boys on a nature hike (which here is actually pretty awesome, seeing as we're surrounded by hills, mountains and all sorts of gorgeous stuff) we came back, and Becky was feeling very sick, we wound up back out for a bit and were playing down on a hill by some peach trees when Marcos starts crying and saying his lip hurts- as far as he knew a branch hit it, so I was thinking it was a sliver of some sort and go up to get tweezers when I realise in that amount of time his lip swelled up. Went back in to grab ice and talk to Becky and Marcos, Roberto, and I wound up on an adventure to the Centro de Salud... Fortunately the allergic reaction stayed pretty localized, and they just got him some medication, but it definitely made for an interesting introduction to life here. We came back and Becky was feeling worse, so it was a bit of a crash course in caring for the boys- we all survived! (Minus the Bee incident) We both agreed it was an attack, seeing as she's starting one of the healing schools tomorrow... I was thinking about it on my way back up to my room though, and interesting how though it was an attack, it was like God had counter balanced it, seeing has this is only my second day in Guatemala... the timing just seemed ironic. Tomorrow it starts all over :o)

Guatemala

I've arrived and am settled! I attempted to write this last night, but about halfway through realised I was just too tired... It's been a busy couple of days, I spent more than 24 hours traveling, and up until traveling had been out of town for a wedding over the weekend and working around that- not a whole lot of sleep involved in that process! Travel went exceedingly well, I seriously was feeling like I had a lot of favor, I even wound up with extra leg room on every flight!

Wednesday I got settled into the boy's home, I wake up to crying every morning... and someone is always crying, and yet I'm happy- pretty sure that's the joy of knowing you're where you're supposed to be, at the right time, doing what you're supposed to be doing. While I'm here, a lot of my focus will be on the Dvorak boys, helping them with part of their school day, and watching them while their parents are teaching a healing school. While I'm not doing that, my mornings and evenings will be focused on the little boys, and the latest addition to the children's home Noemi Ruth :o) She's an absolutely precious 2 month old, who I'm already wishing I could take home... I'm sure there's enough space in my osprey! I've only gotten to see the girls that I worked with a little bit so far, but they were excited to see me back- right away they were asking for guitar, going to have to find time to bring that out for them soon! Juli got so excited to see me, for anyone who's seen pictures of my last time here, she's the one I had a crazy connection with, and also on the list of children I wish I could keep... she squeeled and ran up to give me the biggest hug!

Thursday morning was spent loving on the 7 little boys in the life home, and holding Noemi for probably an hour- then I went up to meet with Becky and talk over "business" followed by working on a mural with the boys and some time outside- I can already see how there will be some challenges- the boys are high energy, very creative, and have differing strengths. I think once I'm settled in and familiar with them it will be a lot easier, but I know there'll be challenges... time will tell I guess :o)

Today I woke up to the noise of crying again- and again I must be insane because I like it... held noemi for a bit until she fell asleep and have spent quite a bit of time with a boy named Jostin- pretty soon I'm heading up to the Dvorak's, we'll see what today holds :o)

Occasionally I step back, and look at my life- and I myself find it somewhat ridiculous... Here I sit in the Los Angelas airport, waiting for my overnight flight to Mexico city, where I will then get on my final of four flights and head to Guatemala. The fact that I booked such a complex travel arrangement, and nothing quirky has happened yet, is a God-thing in itself! (Hopefully I'm not speaking too soon!)

This is the brief, nutshell sumary of my excellent little adventure (I do like to find adventure- even on layovers :o)) I got off the plane and ran into a man who works for a company that does VIP greets for celebrities and such- I suppose at that point I looked rather ridiculous, since I had a 60L osprey pack, a small technical pack, the ovation, and a purse... but he asked if I needed help, I've done this enough that I'm over trying to figure it out one my own- he was directing me to the correct terminal, and then next thing I know, he bought me lunch :o) After free food from a VIP greet guy (Maybe this is a sign of things to come... or maybe I'm already famous in one of those truman show situations....) I went up to the ticket agent... my flight wasn't for twelve hours, and typically they have a pretty strict policy about not allowing early check in- I lobbied my case fairly convincingly though (or we can say it was favor again...) and they let me check my bags- with a slightly lighter load, I was off! I took a bus into Santa Monica, (the bus driver let me ride for free?) and managed to find my way to the ocean :o) I was pretty excited about that- it made for an amazing quiet time! Not only did I manage to wonder around Santa Monica all afternoon, but I'm successfully back at LAX, waiting for my next round of flights.... Tomorrow I'll be in Guatemala!

I'm still not sure how this is all going to work out financially- I pretty much dropped my life, wont have an income for the next two months, and may not have a job when I get back... I'm not entirely sure how I'm even covering this, and I still have the looming africa move in the future... and yet I'm not worried(at least not at the moment... it seams to come in spurts :o)) I know that it will all work out, and when all is said and done, I'll have some pretty crazy stories :o)

Love is a life

As I wondered the streets of Santa Monica during my 12 hour layover at LAX- I couldn't help but think of the words to the Carrie Underwood song "Change." It seemed like every corner was another person desperate for something more... Now we could go into the debate of the legitmacy of these individuals- but today, as my heart broke everytime I saw another cardboard sign, I realised... it doesn't matter. It doesn't really matter if they're homeless or not, it doesn't really matter if it's a scam, or if they're just too "lazy" to get a job. First of all, it's not our responsibility to delegate where money goes, it doesn't really belong to us, it belongs to the God, who blessed us with it, and if we feel led to give, then it's out of our hands- then it's between that individual and God- though honestly I'm going off on a side tangent... what I really want to talk about is the fact, that those people ARE people in need, even if they dont have starving mouths to feed at home, even if they aren't out of work, or trying to raise money for a lung operation... there is something that drives a person to that point- and it's a need, the need to be loved, and seen... we have the ability to change the world with the little things we do, the small conversations, I'm not even saying you need to give money to every person you see on a street corner, that would be ridiculous- but think about what a difference you could make in their world if you asked their story, looked them in the eye- showed them they're worth loving... what a difference we could have simply by being wililng to see people, and acknowledge them as having worth... Christ died for them, so I think they're worth a lot.

What'cha gonna do with the 36 cents

Sticky with Coke on your floorboard
When a woman on the street is huddle in the cold
On a sidewalk vent trying to keep warm
Do you call her over hand her the change
Ask her a story ask her her name
Or do you tell yourself

You're just a fool
Just a fool
To believe you can change the world
You're just a fool
Just a fool
To believe you can change the world

What'cha gonna do when you're watching t.v.
And an ad comes on
Yeah you know the kind
Flashin' up pictures of a child in need
For a dime a day you can save a life
Do you call the number reach out a hand
Or do you change the channel call it a scam
Or do you tell yourself

You're just a fool
Just a fool
To believe you can change the world
Don't you listen to them when they say
You're just a fool
Just a fool
To believe you can change the world
Oh the smallest thing can make all the difference
Love is alive
Don't listen to them when they say
You're just a fool
Just a fool
To believe you can change the world

The worlds so big it could break your heart
And you just wanna help
But not sure where to start
so you close your eyes
Send up a prayer into the dark

You're just a fool
Just a fool
To believe you can change the world
Don't listen to them when they say
You're just a fool
Just a fool to believe
To can change the world
Oh the smallest thing can all the difference
Love is alive
Don't listen to them when they say
You're just a fool
Just a fool
To believe you can change the world

There are no great things... only small things with great love

Small things with great love- that's my heart... And I'm coming to an increasing realization that I shouldn't expect people to understand. The past few days have been rough- the decision to go to Guatemala came rather suddenly, and most have been asking why- you're skipping out on your life to do what? That cant be in your best interest! What's in Guatemala.... The list goes on, and it's hard to explain- yes I'm scared, yes I'm a bit sad, yes I'm going to miss people, no I wont have an income- and I may not have a job when I get back. And yet I'm going- because I know that what's in store for me there is better than anything I can comprehend or imagine... I've always liked pearls, and currently have only been able to own the fake kind- but it's like someone has real pearls for me, I just have to be willing to let go of my pretty fake ones... I have to trust, and let go of things that seem nice and wonderful right now- because what God has in store for me is unfathomably more. And I know that apart from him I am nothing- I also know that I really cant do any of this on my own... but I'm not alone and that's beautiful. A good friend of mine recently asked when I was going to start living for myself- but I'd rather live for Him... Living for me would be like staying fixated on those plastic pearls. Because it's all I know, and I like them- I'm content- but that contentment quickly becomes complacency. They're nice and I like them, but I dont care. I want to care- I want to deeply care- and I want to radiate great love because without that I am nothing. "If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing." 1 Corinthians 13:1-3