A Letter to Santa

As I scrolled through the photos from that day I wasn't entirely sure what I was looking for, all I knew was I desperately wanted to put a face to the name that had occupied my heart and prayers for the day- his request was simple:

Dear Santa, Please make daddy stop hitting mommy. Love Ben

Maybe I thought he would stand out- would be able to fake a smile, perhaps he would have sad eyes and a force smile... or maybe look uncared for and battered. I quickly was reminded how early on we learn to wear masks. All the kids looked fine, but somewhere among them is a boy living in a world full of pain... and its likely that among the kids who sat on Santas lap that day, he wasn't the only one. The picture he colored on the other side of his letter was a little boy crying and looking up at Santas sleigh- what an accurate picture of his life right now- desperately looking for hope- praying someone will give it to him.   What broke my heart wasn't just the fact that this boy had written a letter to santa, hoping he could do something, its the fact that he's surrounded by people who dont notice him. I spent a lot of time in tears that day- not just for Ben, but for other people I've likely encountered who are hurting yet I've been too busy, maybe too preoccupied by my own life to notice them.

I'm praying for Ben this year- praying that someone in his life will notice the pain him and his mom are going through-  that someone will take the time to see past the surface where everything is fine, into their hearts... show them they have value and worth, I'm praying that Ben will get his Christmas wish. I guess that's my challenge for you- look for "Bens" in your life, giving them hope is worth more than any other gifts you'll give this year.

Be Someone Elses Miracle...

I'm going to be honest and admit, life since coming back has been rough. I hit the ground running jumping into two jobs, overcommitting myself left and right- hoping that as things just fell into place it was a "God Thing." Quickly realized that not all good things are His thing for you as I hit wall after wall, crashed, burned, and completely withdrew from society. Lately have been struggling to hit the restart button and feeling overlooked. Reality: When you leave life keeps happening. I returned to a different world than I left, even though I didn't make any sudden changes in plans this time (no deciding to relocate at the last minute!) the people I'd considered my circle, my community have shifted into new season. People got married, others are successful in their business ventures, others moved- all great things but makes for a very disoriented Joy. I kind of had a silly breakdown last night feeling like the number of people around me who cared to know my heart- cared to figure out why I'm sad when I'm sad, happy when I'm happy had quickly dwindled. My brain understands that Jesus is enough and that he sees me and cares but sometimes my heart struggles with the follow through...

I was expressing those frustrations to Laura as we walked around uptown after dinner. Talking about how frustrating it is to come back here and feel like you cease to make a difference in the world. How desperately I want to be somewhere... being Jesus to the world around me and how tired I am of waiting on Gods timing to run off and love on orphans somewhere when Luel walked up.

Luel has recently moved here from DC for work, and tonight while waiting at the bus stop had her purse stolen- leaving her stranded, panicked and feeling utterly alone. She felt bad approaching us and as we walked into Mcdonalds so she could get something to eat before we sent her home on the bus there were tears in her eyes- she wanted my address to pay me back, and started crying when I refused... as we hugged and I prayed for her I couldn't help thinking how much she'd actually blessed me. We both needed that reminder that God does care and everything is going to be alright- oftentimes its about so much more than a bite to eat or a couple bucks... its about taking the time to see people, seeing how much value they really have. I think of how often my day completely turned around-  typically the result of someone elses small obedience- we really can be someone elses miracle, just by taking the time to love them.