Letting go of plastic pearls yet again...

I love pearls. Typically you'll find me wearing a plastic strand, regardless of the clothes I'm wearing. My pearls remind me of a story I heard a few years back in Sr. High youth group. In the story a little girl named Jenny had a plastic strand of pearls that she loved very much, she wore them everywhere and each night, after her father read her a story he would ask "Jenny do you love me?" to which she'd reply, "Oh yes daddy, very much" he'd then ask her for her pearls, and she would try to offer up something else that was special to her...anything but the pearls! Finally one night when he came in to read to her, she was sitting on her bed with tears in her eyes, clutching the plastic necklace- she gave it to her father and he pulled out a strand of genuine pearls... He had them all along! The father had just been waiting for Jenny to give up the plastic ones. I am Jenny... I hang onto hopes, plans, dreams, jobs, family, friends.... all good things, but often times I just need to let go- because God has something even better when we do. Sometimes even things that seem good and wonderful are not what God wants for us- but that requires us to trust... trust is scary, it requires to give up what we know and love, things we cherish- without knowing that we'll get anything in return.

This week I let go of a strand of pearls I'd been clutching tightly for quite some time: I've been hoping, planning, and dreaming about Africa for almost a year now. Shortly after dropping everything to go to Guatemala I realized Africa with this missionary family was not my calling...and I tried to fight it. Every day working with them was a struggle- it didn't coincide with a God-passion, I couldn't connect with the mother- she was very difficult to work with and abrasive... One the other hand every time I worked with the orphans my heart would break for them, I continuously found myself connecting to the kids no one could reach, and every time I took a day to fast and pray, I heard consider your calling... Everytime I heard from God, it wasn't what I wanted to hear. I considered my calling and re-realized yet again: I love working with youth, leading groups, worship, missions, orphans, reaching out to the unloved of the world... seeing the unseen... Would any of this be fufilled in going to Africa with this family? The more I asked, the firmer the answer became- going with them would dedicate the next two years of my life to nannying those children, and as I saw in my month working with them, my interaction with the people I so desperately want to love on would be limited... And so I let go- and wasn't quite prepared for the aftermath that followed.

They could tell I was hiding something, and she wasn't the sort I felt I could confide in or trust... so I held it in longer than I should've and was evasive, and that I regret and shouldn't have done- but when it finally came out I wasn't expecting the aftermath that followed.

In two days I was called up for three seperate meetings, all with no notice therefore no time to prepare mentally, emotionally, or spiritually- in these meetings everything I am: my story, my relationship with God... my entirety was wripped to shreds. I was told I have no faith, that God hasn't really called me on this crazy path I've followed, that I had a deceptive spirit, and that my attitude was affecting the other volunteers (both of whom were sick, which was why they were withdrawn- it had nothing to do with how I'd been treated) This is just skimming the surface of the words spoken over me the past few days. All this because of being evasive regarding removing her on facebook (did I mention she's a bit scary!), deciding against africa, and because I started asking for a day off after not having one free day in the month I've been here. My heart hurts.

In the midst of all this- God has been so present... I was told to change my flight to Wednesday- no regards to the fact that I spent everything I had to come to Guatemala, I was also told I would be moving to the team house to stay there by myself from now until then- that was when I knew it was time to leave- within hours of people finding out what had happened the following events occured:

* One of the highschool volunteers slipped me about 50 dollars worth of q

* The house mom from downstairs gave me q for food

* The highschoolers also stuffed my pack with all of their snack food (this is a huge deal when you're serving in an orphanage where all you eat is beans and rice- essentially equivalent to the widow giving her two mites)

* Three people offered to pay to change my ticket

* Another person booked and covered a hostel for me to stay in

* Two friends put money into my checking account

* Another gave me credit card info to cover anything that was needed, also provided a phone card

* I wound up at a Christian B&B

God is so immensely good beyond anything we can comprehend or imagine- much of His provision came from places I didn't even expect. Even when the "church" beats you up, His love reaches past that.

I dont really know what's in store now, I know He does, and whatever it is, He's got it covered. I've decided not to book my flight change until I'm sure there isn't somewhere else in Guatemala I'm supposed to be- and when I do go back to the states, I'll begin looking into the opportunites with Reach Global- I'm going somewhere, I just dont know where :o) I've let go of another strand of plastic pearls- cant wait to see the genuine ones that come out of this mess.