When you're facing a wall it can be rather daunting... at times you get so overwhelmed by the magnitude of it its hard to comprehend ever being able to get over it.
That's how I've felt lately... and possibly why I've been MIA from the update world. I have vision, passion, direction... but I feel like all I can see is this wall. I would stay in a heartbeat. If I could do absolutely anything, finances aside, I wouldn't be returning to the states. The other day someone mentioned needing to keep your dreams alive and I realized that for as long as I can remember my dreams have been a bit atypical, at 12 I wrote a paper on what success is and concluded talking about Mother Theresa... how no one could argue that she lived a fulfilled life, yet if we compared her life to the western standard of contentment you see a lot of contrast. Even in high school all I really wanted was to be a missionary, I went to college for a bit, but really more in an attempt to honor my parents... it wasn't really my calling. Wall: student loan debt... in comparison its not that much, but the idea of waiting years before going destroys me. Maybe its because I've had a few near death encounters, I don't really have the mindset of having unlimited time, I'd rather make the most of what I have.
Then there's the fact that the vision I have appears to be a lot bigger than me... so many details would have to come together, and I know I can't do it. Anyone who's followed my story for any length of time is aware I'd aspired to move to Africa to work with AIDS orphans... that aspiration has resurfaced a bit. In talking with Rosemary about my personal dream/vision I'd shared that longing with her and discovered that its an area that doesn't get a lot of attention. Many childrens homes can't take in kids with HIV because of the risk factors and the expensive care... Now that elections are over (praise the Lord it was peaceful!) I'm going to be spending a lot more time in the slums, partially for outreach, but also because at times you have to walk towards things and move closer to get a sense of direction. At some point I'll even be visiting Tanzania (how crazy would it be if I wound up there after all this time!?) the baby dream I have would be to take in a group of HIV positive children that haven't been able to find placement, finding sponsors for medication and such, then set up some kind of sustainable program with the single mothers- debating whether to do some kind of clothing, sandals, jewelry... Ideally working with skills and resources that are already readily available. I'd also do agriculture with them, that way much of the food would be grown rather than needing funding, the ones who are healthy enough to work the land working along side me... Also doing bible studies/house visits... there are some villages here where nearly everyone is infected, you never know when it may be the last time they can encounter Jesus.
My pastor from the states visited, he has land in Nyeri... and a great vision for it, problem being that I'm not sure that its God's vision for me... One of my greatest concerns is how far away it is from an area of great need. Yes, people can be brought in... but I have a hard time considering being so far away from the people who so deeply captivate my heart.
So wisdom... clarification of vision and direction, that's what I need right now. I know where I want to be... what I want to do, I just have a hard time trusting that it's possible... believing that God can use me. The walls seem so discouraging...
His faithfulness doesn't depend on our faith. This is so hard to comprehend and grasp. When he reveals it in a tangible way its overwhelming... consuming... incredible! I wont go into all the crazy details, but I was waiting for God to provide... getting frustrated because time was running out, it was getting increasingly difficult to trust. I still need a miracle if I'm supposed to stay longer or return- but for now he's blessed me with exactly what was needed at exactly the right time. God is so good. I'm grateful for the obedient hearts of His people.
Walls are intimidating, but the Lord brought down the wall of Jericho... all it took was faith, and the willingness to act in obedience even though it looked a bit insane.
That's how I've felt lately... and possibly why I've been MIA from the update world. I have vision, passion, direction... but I feel like all I can see is this wall. I would stay in a heartbeat. If I could do absolutely anything, finances aside, I wouldn't be returning to the states. The other day someone mentioned needing to keep your dreams alive and I realized that for as long as I can remember my dreams have been a bit atypical, at 12 I wrote a paper on what success is and concluded talking about Mother Theresa... how no one could argue that she lived a fulfilled life, yet if we compared her life to the western standard of contentment you see a lot of contrast. Even in high school all I really wanted was to be a missionary, I went to college for a bit, but really more in an attempt to honor my parents... it wasn't really my calling. Wall: student loan debt... in comparison its not that much, but the idea of waiting years before going destroys me. Maybe its because I've had a few near death encounters, I don't really have the mindset of having unlimited time, I'd rather make the most of what I have.
Then there's the fact that the vision I have appears to be a lot bigger than me... so many details would have to come together, and I know I can't do it. Anyone who's followed my story for any length of time is aware I'd aspired to move to Africa to work with AIDS orphans... that aspiration has resurfaced a bit. In talking with Rosemary about my personal dream/vision I'd shared that longing with her and discovered that its an area that doesn't get a lot of attention. Many childrens homes can't take in kids with HIV because of the risk factors and the expensive care... Now that elections are over (praise the Lord it was peaceful!) I'm going to be spending a lot more time in the slums, partially for outreach, but also because at times you have to walk towards things and move closer to get a sense of direction. At some point I'll even be visiting Tanzania (how crazy would it be if I wound up there after all this time!?) the baby dream I have would be to take in a group of HIV positive children that haven't been able to find placement, finding sponsors for medication and such, then set up some kind of sustainable program with the single mothers- debating whether to do some kind of clothing, sandals, jewelry... Ideally working with skills and resources that are already readily available. I'd also do agriculture with them, that way much of the food would be grown rather than needing funding, the ones who are healthy enough to work the land working along side me... Also doing bible studies/house visits... there are some villages here where nearly everyone is infected, you never know when it may be the last time they can encounter Jesus.
My pastor from the states visited, he has land in Nyeri... and a great vision for it, problem being that I'm not sure that its God's vision for me... One of my greatest concerns is how far away it is from an area of great need. Yes, people can be brought in... but I have a hard time considering being so far away from the people who so deeply captivate my heart.
So wisdom... clarification of vision and direction, that's what I need right now. I know where I want to be... what I want to do, I just have a hard time trusting that it's possible... believing that God can use me. The walls seem so discouraging...
His faithfulness doesn't depend on our faith. This is so hard to comprehend and grasp. When he reveals it in a tangible way its overwhelming... consuming... incredible! I wont go into all the crazy details, but I was waiting for God to provide... getting frustrated because time was running out, it was getting increasingly difficult to trust. I still need a miracle if I'm supposed to stay longer or return- but for now he's blessed me with exactly what was needed at exactly the right time. God is so good. I'm grateful for the obedient hearts of His people.
Walls are intimidating, but the Lord brought down the wall of Jericho... all it took was faith, and the willingness to act in obedience even though it looked a bit insane.
