Time To Dream Again....

I'm in a spot where I know things are moving in a direction towards change, but I'm not entirely sure what that means. I feel like God has been working on me quite a lot in this short visit to Minnesota- I dont even know where to begin!

I've been longing to be back here for awhile now- two of my best friends are going through some pretty major life changes, and I wish I could be here to walk through it with them, but it hasn't looked remotely feasible to do so thus far... now I'm starting to see options. Things are lining up back here, now I'm praying that if it really is the Lords will for me to be here and walk through this with them that He changes circumstances down there... weighing options, for the moment time will tell.

Even if I do return to MN, I know it will only be a short season- my desire to be overseas is just increasing, and there's been a number of confirmations to keep pressing in that direction- strange thing is that I still cant seem to shake Africa as a dream, and I'm beginning to question if I'm supposed to. I talked to a man on Sunday who'd been a missionary in Russia for 13 years, he wound up praying over me, and then I found out that one of the girls that used to be a jr higher of mine has continued to raise support for me since I left back in the beginning of the summer. I'm encouraged... knowing that people still feel led to invest in the mission that the Lord has for me reminds me that He does in fact have a purpose and a plan in all this- I'm hoping that the right doors will be opened and that I'll press on in willful obedience to wherever He's calling me...

I'm starting to realise that I was trying to establish roots- but that they were roots of my doing, from attempting a relationship to getting myself in a solid job situation... not necessarily bad things, but not neccesarily God-things either. I think that when I returned to the states I was looking for a semblence of security, when really the only security I need is in the Lord- so lesson learned? I hope... Something opened my eyes, and I think I was trying to run away from the dreams and hopes the father instilled in me. I got burned and it was easier to just let go- In my conversation with the missionary on Sunday we talked about how missionary roots were different... and being "settled" when that's your wiring may not actually happen... I think I'm ready to dive in again and I have no idea what's ahead. I guess its time to dream again... praying for new opportunities- here I am Lord, send me. :o)

Ephphatha

All those people going somewhere
Why have i never cared?

Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so i can see
Everything that i keep missing
Give me your love for humanity

Give me your arms for the broken hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach
Give me your heart for the one's forgotten
Give me your eyes so i can see

Step out on a busy street
See a girl and our eyes meet
Does her best to smile at me
To hide what's underneath

There's a man just to her right
Black suit and a bright red tie
Too ashamed to tell his wife
He's out of work he's buying time

All those people going somewhere
Why have i never cared?...

I've been there a million times
A couple of million eyes just moving past me by
I swear i never thought that i was wrong

Well i want a second glance
So give me a second chance
To see the way you see the people all alone

This Brandon Heath song has been a favorite for awhile... but I feel like even though I say this is what I want- this is what I pray for, I dont really realise what it means...

Ephphatha- it means "Be Opened," and was the phrase Jesus spoke when He healed the deaf-mute man- in the same way the deaf man was opened physically, we need Ephphatha- for Jesus to open our eyes, our hearts to the ones around us.. I felt like that was happening today- I was oddly aware of things going on around me- and was blessed (if you can call it that) to have my heart broken several times today... do we realise that when we ask for His heart it may hurt a bit?

First it happened at Staples, my friend and I had been running some errands and had just survived a horrible Best Buy experience. (Now I'm patient with retail and service industry... I've been there- but I also notice the difference between being spread too thin and just being ignored) Anyhow, I will admit, while I stood there with 3 routers and couldn't get anyone to even ask if I needed help, and then proceeded to approach someone, who then informed us he could be with us in a few minutes (after he finished talking to his girlfriend) I was starting to lose patience... I made the rude under my breath comments and was probably less than cheerful at the checkout, but then we walked into Staples- where it was completely the opposite, people asked if they could help us find things, and then when we stood in line a guy offered to check us out- trying to help get us out faster- he then proceeds to go through the retail schpeals, offering batteries at this deal with this coupon and asking if we needed any of some other featured item. In the midst of this one of our purchases was rang up twice- a fixible problem, but in response my friend made a comment about how "If he wasn't so busy trying to sell us a bunch of stuff and paying attention to what he was doing that wouldn't have happened" And then I lost it. It wasn't so much the incident as it was the concept. Who is this man? He looked about 70... a 70 year old man working retail hasn't been able to retire- he has a story... and for some reason I hurt for him. I just realised how aware we need to be of those little things we say and do- we are capable of making or breaking someones day with simple words... there are people out there today who didn't once feel loved, didn't once feel appreciated, didnt once feel like anyone really saw them. Every single interaction we have with people is a chance to be Jesus to them- and we may be the only Jesus they ever see. What do they see when they look at me?

Then it was at work, a guy came in with a free pizza card and wanted to order a togo pizza- just one, and it was another one of those moments, I saw him and my heart ached, fairly sure he was homeless, someone had probably handed him the card, maybe they had nothing else to give- I wish I could know what story was underneath.

And then I got the Christmas gift- one of my coworkers slipped an envelope of money in my bucket, my sluething skills found out who it was, and to be perfectly honest- I wasn't expecting it... people are suprising, and most of the time we dont really know them, not like we think we do. Thing is, he took time to see me, see my needs, and that probably means more to me than the money did. I've been frustrated lately, really wanting to be home for Christmas, but after paying off water, electric, and other fun stuff it just wasn't looking feasible... I've been trying to help a few people out- covering things that should be shared expenses, buying food and this and that- but I feel like my hearts been in the wrong place. Maybe I'm doing what I "should" do- but I've been getting frustrated, and impatient, and really kind of needed an attitude adjustment. Someone offered to loan me money for a ticket- but then I have to pay them back, I wound up doing it, just trusting that things would work out... but then with that have been worried, There's the never ending list of things to take care of and thanks to someone who attempted to be a secret santa- it looks like they will. I feel like someone cares...

All those people going somewhere, why have I never cared? How many times a day do we let people pass us by without a second glance... without a care- when we can be God's hands to change the world.

Why have we never cared?

Be Ready In Season and Out of Season...

Occasionally I wish I could blog the same way people use twitter- processing my thoughts when they're fresh and on my mind. Unfortunately pulling out my phone in the middle of a shift and attempting to use my phone's qwerty keyboard to publish here may not be the wisest idea- instead you'll have to settle for some day old (or more) thoughts...

As previously metioned I've FINALLY been learning how to drive- I realised pretty quickly that i- until my schedule would coordinate with friends' it would probably never happen, besides seeing as I'll probably have to be taking road trips to Minnesota sooner rather than later with all the life changes occuring in my best friends' lives, I figured I wanted to be sure I was going to be a good driver- not just capable of passing the road test, and so, I've been taking lessons through Knoxville Driving School with a guy named Rick. Our first lesson we wound up talking about my story (he's a Christian) and since then I've gotten to learn more about his. Yesterday he told me that he felt like God brought me into his life for a reason (and yes- the thought of actually being used by God while I'm here in a waiting room kind of made me weepy) and anyhow, has decided not to charge me anymore, and will continue to work with me until I get my liscence. For free... Have I ever mentioned how incredibly amazing God's favor is?? I'm essentially going to recieve thousands of dollars of behind the wheel training for free. God is good :o)

This waiting room they call Knoxville is certainly an "out of season" time for me. I'm out of my element, not only stuck in this country, but also away from a lot of the people who are most important to me. I've been struggling lately with whether or not I'm really where I'm supposed to be, and what the purpose even is of my time here- but Tuesday night at work reminded me how important it is to be aware of what's happening right in front of me- even when my heart so deeply longs to be elsewhere, because God has me where I am at this time and will complete his purpose for me- Anyhow, I've already gotten to have some sweet conversations with coworkers- but Tuesday conversations with guests kept shifting to my faith... and Indian man sitting at my bar asked about my tattoos, and after I explained each one and walked through an abrviated version of my testimony wound up asking how my faith makes me different... The Lord gave me complete boldness with him... I can hardly remember my response, but I know it suprised even me :o) Later that night I was serving a group of guys, and again somehow the conversation shifted into my faith- they asked if I was religious... knowing I could potentially get in trouble for preaching the gospel to them while working I told them I could easily talk with them for quite some time about Jesus... but they probably wouldn't really be interested- their response was "Actually go ahead- we've got nothing else to do and you kind of have us curious" Ready, set, 20 minutes of gospel preaching... to a table, while I was working, within earshot of my manager.That time I'm positive nothing that came out of my mouth was from me. God uses us, even when we feel like we're stuck. Preach the word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage—with great patience and careful instruction.>(2 Timothy 4:2)

And finally, how He loves to give good gifts to His children... I know I'm always completely undeserving of His grace- but lately I feel like I've been stuck in such complacency... and so distracted that it's especially so. Yet He continues to meet all of my needs- sometimes before I even ask. I got a phone call from Red Robin the other day, I'd put in an application with them in July when I first moved here and they still remembered me. Long story short, without even trying I aquired a second job- went in today for what I thought would be an interview but really we just discussed how my Red Robin schedule will fit around my brixx schedule. The next few months are going to be very busy- but I'm hoping that the extra income will get me to a place where I can get caught up on those student loans, aquire a car, and hopefully, soon get to the point where I'm in better shape financially for whatever ministry He leads me into next. It's going to be rough- I know I'll be exhausted, but I will definitely need to rely completely on God's grace to sustain me- and that will be a good thing. Time will tell how long this will last. It's all in His hands.

Giving up my dreams for His is evidently a bit of a process...