Going Public With Our Grief

I've done a lot of crazy things that most people would find terrifying...
Backpacked through Ireland with no money on arrival and no place to stay
Walked myself to a public transit station at five in the morning in foreign countries
Gone running alone through informal settlements
Stayed with complete strangers
Been picked up by complete strangers with no more than a character reference to base trust on
Hitchhiked
Moved to new places with hardly any details in place
And so many more ridiculously reckless stories from my vagabond missionary days... Yet today, today was the most terrifying thing I've ever faced.

      Joshua and I found out we were expecting several weeks back and it seemed like everything was going perfectly. We followed all the rules, set up appointments, and did our best to keep quiet. A handful of close friends knew what was going on (certain things were hard to hide) but we were trying to be "proper" and wait until second trimester before it was public knowledge. A few who knew even urged us to make sure we kept quiet because "things can happen" today I realize, so what?

      Yes it will be painful when people ask about the baby if they missed the memo but its also painful when they don't. It's going to be painful when I see another pregnancy announcement (not that I'm not happy for you!), it's going to be painful when people ask when we plan on starting a family, it's going to be painful when I walk by a baby at the mall, it's going to be painful to see a healthy round belly, it's going to be painful to attend baby showers, it's going to be painful to walk by a baby store, it's going to be painful to see birth announcements... It's also going to be painful to answer the common greeting of "How are you?" Things are going to be painful for awhile. I'm not okay, and I've decided something crazy... that's okay.

      We went in for our appointment at the birth center and everything looked great- physical and labs all checked out fine. I had been eager to see the baby even though the center typically only requires a 20 week ultrasound they were going to do one that day, unfortunately they were having equipment issues so I got sent over to Associates in Women's Health and that's when things began to unravel. The technician informed us that things were measuring behind and the heart rate was low and sent us over to talk with a doctor. Being pretty real here, the doctor we spoke with didn't have the best bedside manner, she informed us that the baby was likely dying and estimated a 3% chance of survival then wanted to discuss "options" right away. Later that day the center we had started our care at contacted us- the doctor who started it wanted to see us tuesday rather than making us wait a full two weeks for the follow up and so we waited. The last week has been a whirlwind of emotions. Grieving, and feeling like the grief may be premature, attempting to act normal, praying like crazy, struggling to function and desperately seeking hope.

      Today we hoped that somehow things would turn out alright, that by some miracle our baby would still be joining the family in March. Today we found out the heart had stopped.

      I am plagued with so many questions, and yes I know most of them are ridiculous and irrational... I KNOW there wasn't anything I could've done, but knowing and believing are two different things. It's just going to take time. There's something deeply painful about seeing your baby's heart beat... knowing it's ALIVE only to find out later that at some point it died... it died and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Not only that, somehow the baby died and I didn't know...

      We live in a culture where so much is conveyed through social media, people celebrate and share. In the world of internet you can be whoever you want. We select the pictures that make us look the best, show the world around us how fun and exciting our lives are... but is that truly our life? Life gets messy, sometimes the unexpected takes us by surprise... sometimes it really really hurts.

I realized I couldn't act like I was fine, nor should I have to. I can't pretend nothing happened and decided that if my Facebook friends can browse my wedding pictures and celebrate life with me they can also know that today my heart is broken.

What is this?
The worst day of my life
A death in our family
The loss of hope of what could have been

This mattered to us, it will always matter to us. We cherished the time our baby was with us, regardless of how long it was. Earlier this week we'd decided to name the baby... acknowledging that regardless of the outcome, this was significant to us. We poured over scripture, seeking comfort and Mark 5, especially where Jesus raised the little girl from the dead had resonated with us. He says to the people "Do not fear, only believe" and against all odds raised her up saying Talitha Cumi, which means Little girl, arise... Then as we prayed over this child we prayed the fathers victory over her life, and so chose "Kelilah" which means victorious...Talitha Kelilah, you will always hold a place in our hearts.

Answering Some Questions (Africa and such...)

Perhaps it was an attempt to convince myself I haven't gone entirely insane... that this "idea" didn't just come out of nowhere... in light of my recent news of acceptance as a Ripe for Harvest missionary I've found myself rereading old posts and evaluating my human interactions in general only to realize how time and time again when my heart cry truly shines through- it's Africa. Conversations in daily life where someone would ask me- if I could be anywhere and my snap response, facebook statuses written in a state of insomnia, posts written before I went to Africa this winter, seeing how my heart longed to be overseas even when I wasn't, and just the way I felt truly alive when I was there. Every attempt I make to talk myself down- convince myself this isn't a rational next step is met with a resounding: GO!

In light of this realization I figure it's time to answer some questions...

WHO: I have been accepted by the interdenominational sending agency Ripe for Harvest. They will provide accountability, as well as an administrative means to facilitate long term support.

WHERE: End goal is Tanzania, however, I am prayerfully considering starting out in Kenya where I have "family" and can operate under a further established ministry while learning the language and fostering the relationships I'd begun developing. 

WHAT: Orphan care will of course be a huge focus here I talk about a crazy dream/vision I have. One of the pastors Mama Rosemary had connected me with in Tanzania was looking to launch something very similar- part of why I'm leaning towards diving right in there even though it will certainly be a greater challenge (essentially building something from ground up)

WHEN: ASAP, but to be determined. I would genuinely leave in a heartbeat but am waiting until I have airfair and start up costs raised, as well as reach the 50% of my monthly support goal pledged. I promise to keep you posted as things progress!

and of course the How: I have some crazy dreams/visions/goals... they're a lot bigger than me- things I haven't even begun to elaborate on in regards to Network 127 and I definitely cannot make it on my own. YOU, each and everyone of you is integral to turning dreams to reality. Prayer moves mountains and that's obviously the greatest need. Prayer for wisdom in timing and direction, prayer for guidance and creativity... Then there's the lovely funding part- looking at going long term terrifies me, and that's a huge part of the reason why. I'll confess to being intimidated- but truly, honestly- absolutely every bit helps. Prayerfully consider partnering with me on this endeavor- here's how:

• Mailing a check: Make sure to include my name (Kristin Joy Svendsen- (Joy will probably work too!) and account #33) to Ripe for Harvest World Outreach PO box 487 Monument CO, 80132
• Electronic Contribution: There is a form available here that you can print and mail that will let you set up a recurring electronic contribution
• Online donations: there's a link for those here as well, my name should show up in the drop down list fairly soon
• Paypal: I still have my paypal account that I use for ministry expenses that you can access from this blog- and will be using that for things like airfair- however note that this is not affiliated with Ripe for Harvest so if you're needing a receipt for tax purposes please opt for one of the other options!

I'm heading Home

I've been silent for a long time... and as always it isn't that I haven't been praying, processing, and learning... if anything its that I've been so overwhelmed by everything the Lord's been teaching me, every challenge life has thrown at me that the prospect of converting all of those internal thoughts into something to be comprehended and shared has been a little daunting. I thought a huge door to be "normal" and have a career had landed in my lap- that door slammed shut. I thought I should pursue a big girl job- no door opened... I considered an aggressive stateside paid ministry position- and realized that the need is not the call. Being faced with practical, impractical, and crazy options one thing kept resounding in my heart. Africa.

I ran into a wall when I returned in may. People have asked why I still feel like I'm in transition... that's because until I started seriously pursuing going back to Africa I lacked purpose and motivation... I never really found my "place" here.... a recent status I posted on facebook conveys my heart quite well:

"It's the sloppy wet kisses baby Moses gave without cease, Sembeo's ear to ear grin when she wrote her name for the first time, reading the beautiful selfless responses those children had in devotions, hearing their lovely voices singing with mine, arms growing tired carrying babies, never having a free hand because someone was always holding it, laying hands on, loving, and praying for the sick in Tanzania, knowing I would lay down my life for the beautiful people i'd met and fallen in love with, waking up every morning knowing i was exactly where I was meant to be-doing what i was wired to do, and the tears mama shed the day I left... The way I haven't truly felt alive since my return to the states until I started talking about going back to Africa and the fact that I didn't just leave a piece of my heart there- I only brought a fragment back. These are the reasons why I miss you Africa. I don't know how long it will take me, but I'm coming home."

Today I got word of official acceptance by Ripe for the Harvest of my missionary status. Pretty soon this will become a living, breathing reality. In the next few weeks I'll begin the process of raising support- both financially and in prayer, writing a budget plan, and developing my goals/vision. It's daunting, overwhelming, and beautiful. Initially I anticipated spending the first year in Kenya where the project I'd be working with is far more established and I'm comfortable, however after prayer and talking with a pastor I worked with in Tanzania I'm seriously considering going straight there. It will be a far greater challenge- in a lot of ways I'll have to build something from scratch, however anyone who has been following my crazy life for the last few years knows that I planned to move to Tanzania to work with the Maasai Tribe and AIDS orphans- years later all of the puzzle pieces are coming together for me to do just that. God's timing is so perfectly unfathomable... and He does fulfill His plan, purpose, and promises over our lives. 

I let go of the plastic pearls- and what he had in store is so much better.

Jericho

When you're facing a wall it can be rather daunting... at times you get so overwhelmed by the magnitude of it its hard to comprehend ever being able to get over it. 

That's how I've felt lately... and possibly why I've been MIA from the update world. I have vision, passion, direction... but I feel like all I can see is this wall. I would stay in a heartbeat. If I could do absolutely anything, finances aside, I wouldn't be returning to the states. The other day someone mentioned needing to keep your dreams alive and I realized that for as long as I can remember my dreams have been a bit atypical, at 12 I wrote a paper on what success is and concluded talking about Mother Theresa... how no one could argue that she lived a fulfilled life, yet if we compared her life to the western standard of contentment you see a lot of contrast. Even in high school all I really wanted was to be a missionary, I went to college for a bit, but really more in an attempt to honor my parents... it wasn't really my calling. Wall: student loan debt... in comparison its not that much, but the idea of waiting years before going destroys me. Maybe its because I've had a few near death encounters, I don't really have the mindset of having unlimited time, I'd rather make the most of what I have.

Then there's the fact that the vision I have appears to be a lot bigger than me... so many details would have to come together, and I know I can't do it. Anyone who's followed my story for any length of time is aware I'd aspired to move to Africa to work with AIDS orphans... that aspiration has resurfaced a bit. In talking with Rosemary about my personal dream/vision I'd shared that longing with her and discovered that its an area that doesn't get a lot of attention. Many childrens homes can't take in kids with HIV because of the risk factors and the expensive care... Now that elections are over (praise the Lord it was peaceful!) I'm going to be spending a lot more time in the slums, partially for outreach, but also because at times you have to walk towards things and move closer to get a sense of direction. At some point I'll even be visiting Tanzania (how crazy would it be if I wound up there after all this time!?) the baby dream I have would be to take in a group of HIV positive children that haven't been able to find placement, finding sponsors for medication and such, then set up some kind of sustainable program with the single mothers- debating whether to do some kind of clothing, sandals, jewelry... Ideally working with skills and resources that are already readily available. I'd also do agriculture with them, that way much of the food would be grown rather than needing funding, the ones who are healthy enough to work the land working along side me... Also doing bible studies/house visits... there are some villages here where nearly everyone is infected, you never know when it may be the last time they can encounter Jesus.

My pastor from the states visited, he has land in Nyeri... and a great vision for it, problem being that I'm not sure that its God's vision for me... One of my greatest concerns is how far away it is from an area of great need. Yes, people can be brought in... but I have a hard time considering being so far away from the people who so deeply captivate my heart. 

So wisdom... clarification of vision and direction, that's what I need right now. I know where I want to be... what I want to do, I just have a hard time trusting that it's possible... believing that God can use me. The walls seem so discouraging...

His faithfulness doesn't depend on our faith. This is so hard to comprehend and grasp. When he reveals it in a tangible way its overwhelming... consuming... incredible! I wont go into all the crazy details, but I was waiting for God to provide... getting frustrated because time was running out, it was getting increasingly difficult to trust. I still need a miracle if I'm supposed to stay longer or return- but for now he's blessed me with exactly what was needed at exactly the right time. God is so good. I'm grateful for the obedient hearts of His people. 

Walls are intimidating, but the Lord brought down the wall of Jericho... all it took was faith, and the willingness to act in obedience even though it looked a bit insane.

Home

I had an epiphany last night, I wont be going home on May 2. Now before you freak out thinking I’ve already made some rash decision to change my visa (I’d be lying if I said that hadn’t crossed my mind) what I’ve realized is Minnesota is not truly “home.” To be honest, ever since beginning this ridiculous journey of stepping out in faith and passionately pursuing God’s purpose and calling on my life I’ve felt a bit displaced. At least when I’m stateside.

East Africa has captivated my heart, I don’t entirely know how to explain it… words don’t exist to describe the sense of belonging I have here. Is it perfect? No. Everything I ever dreamed of? Not entirely. Home? Yes.

Yesterday we visited Hashima, a ministry that was started to provide special needs children and their mothers with care and hope. It was started by a family from Edina that saw the need for this kind of ministry need and wound up moving to Kenya; the mothers make and sell Jewelry as a way to provide for their children while the kids are receiving physical therapy and education. It truly lives up to its name, which means “dignity” in Swahili. In a world where children with disabilities are viewed as cursed and the woman abandoned by their husbands this place truly treats them as if they matter… with dignity. I think what got me most was the beauty of seeing God’s vision for someone unfold… seeing what can become when someone is willing to say yes and go where they’re called- even if it doesn’t make sense.

I so desperately want this for my life. I don’t really want to be “big.” There is often talk of the Mother Theresa, Heidi Baker, Katie Davis types in the world…  At times people have even attempted to compare me to one or the other… They were/are incredible, inspiring people- I’d love for God to use me to demonstrate even a fraction of the love they do. I’m just me though… nothing extraordinary or different, I just want to make a difference for someone. See someone who was maybe invisible, feed someone who was hungry, love someone who’s never felt it. Even if it’s just one- they’re worth it.

The Best Gifts

Anyone who's known me for any length of time is probably aware of my longing to truly live among the least of these... I've said for awhile that I'd be pretty happy to wind up living in a slum or leper colony some day, people have often said that would probably change- they are probably wrong.

Today we got to go with Nancy to the Huruma slum school, it was incredible to talk with Nancy and learn how much transformation had occurred in the last year alone, as well as to hear the director, Irene's, story of how God's vision and purpose for her life had unfolded- and really became something so much bigger and more beautiful than she'd envisioned for herself. Especially encouraging as that's something I've been wrestling with myself lately... I'd stay in a heartbeat. I just want my life to be used by God for His glory- I dont quite know how that's going to unfold and pan out though.

On our way there Irene informed us of some disheartening news- two of their students had gotten pregnant and aborted the babies... in a ministry where they are fighting to empower children from the slums with hope and opportunity for the future this was especially discouraging for the staff, she invited Nancy and I to join her as she had a very bold conversation with the female students, as well as take some time to lead them in worship. The girls were enthralled by my guitar/singing... I kind of felt like a rockstar :o) What was particularly incredible, however, was to see how everything came together... I sang one of the songs I wrote at the end and Nancy shared her testimony- both of these things were referenced in Irenes message and turned out to be fitting... God does an incredible job orchestrating things!

After our talk with the girls I got sent into the informal settlement (slum) with a couple of the students to visit their families, one of the girls started asking me if I would be back and spend more time singing with them- when I told her I desperately wanted to move to Africa but needed God to provide the resources she informed me she would start praying I could stay... I feel like that's a serious prayer. I was brought to one girls grandmothers than another's mothers home- I'm always so humbled by their hospitality and generosity, within minutes they were offering me soda and food... inviting me for dinner- the second family even invited me to live there. The grandmother makes beaded jewelry that she sells out of their little tin home- they wouldn't let me leave without a bracelet... this is perhaps one of the most valuable gifts I've ever received- the person gave it didn't have anything to give yet gave it any way.

It makes you realize how the sacrifices we make pale in comparison... we are so blessed- yet so hesitant to share at times. Perhaps we have a lot to learn from the least among us...

Funerals, Hospitals, and Mzungu Mjingas

"What then, shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?"

I found myself reading Romans eight repeatedly as Larry, Faith, and I made our way back to Kitengela from Nakuru last weekend... the series of events leading up to that shuttle ride had hit a point where I'd said to Ella, "With this many things going wrong you really have to start to realize its warfare... and if that's the case, God must be up to something incredible or the enemy wouldn't mess with us."

Last weekend I wound up accompanying the family to the funeral of Rosemary's mother, that in and of itself was an interesting cultural experience- quite a bit different from how we do things stateside! As Ella started introducing me as her sister I quickly realized that in a very short time I had somehow found "family" in Kenya.

We headed home the next morning after several encounters with politicians (at the funeral, at the hotel... oh election season...) however weren't on the road long before Nicholas (Ella's husband) started to get really sick- Ella took over on driving but eventually it hit a point where we couldn't continue to travel, we stopped in Nakuru so he could get checked out at the hospital where they loaded him up with iv fluids and diagnosed food poisoning. Larry and Faith kept laughing about my fellow Muzungus coming in and out of the hospital, (evidently I dont fit in with them) every other person entering was a sunburned sickly looking foreigner... I probably should've been a tad more compassionate, but they did get a kick out of me saying Mzungu Mjinga.

We ventured back out, but Nicholas was only getting worse- I suddenly had this painful realization that I should pray. Realistically, praying out loud and boldly for people is not one of my strong suits, I can be really bold and passionate about the word, but when I feel like I have to sound eloquent... I hesitate. I tried to ignore it, figuring I could keep praying in my head and then finally knew this is one of those stretching instances. I wish this was one of those incredible miraculous God stories where something instantly changed and he felt better. Its not. Obedience... trusting God with the follow through, and realizing you aren't responsible for what happens after you do your part and step out.

Meanwhile, a friend of mine from the states was due to arrive that afternoon, and hadn't- we were frantically trying to check facebook, email, and flight schedules with no answers so back "home" staff was waiting... and I was struggling not to get stressed.

Nicholas desperately wanted us to drop him off at his mom's house so he could rest... Ella decided to go back to the hospital to see about having him admitted and watched, turns out he had Typhoid and had she delayed half an hour they would've been planning another funeral. Arrangements were made for cousins to transport us back while Ella stayed in Nakuru but while they were on their way to meet us their breaks went out (see what I mean about spiritual warfare?!) So Faith, Larry, and a concerned about her fellow muzungu (btw, if you haven't googled that already, it means white person) somewhat stressed Joy boarded a shuttle to venture back. We made it to Nairobi with still no word on the Muzungu (Kyle) then Larry and I hopped on a noisy Matatu to finish the trip to Kitengel, from there we took Piki Pikis back to the house (motorcycle rides!) and arrived to find Kyle at the house... when his flight got rerouted it hadn't clicked to get ahold of me somehow but at last the insane weekend was over!

.... This is one of those ridiculous updates that's taken far too long because there was too much to share and I couldn't sort my thoughts- long overdue... so finally, this last week...

Things have been going really well at the centre, I love the kids and have been celebrating small milestones I've seen. Sembeo was able to count to 100 and only got 2 wrong on her math test (teacher Joyce was shocked!) the babies LOVE one of the songs I wrote, and keep singing it during class... I've also somehow become designated devotional leader, both at the house as well as the centre... all of a sudden I have 80 some disciples? I'm actually in the process of revamping the way devotionals are approached with the kids- trying to make it more applicable and understandable to them and the teachers love it. Perhaps the most touching thing? Seeing how many of these kids, when asked to write about ways they could be light to the world talked about sharing with the poor and needy. Humbling.

In other news, my heart hurts to stay longer... I just desperately want to be wherever God wants me, doing what he wants me to do... regardless of the costs. Time will tell.

What is Beautiful...

What is beautiful...

Knowing you are in exactly the right place at the right time, doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing.

When I arrived in Kenya I anticipated diving in, but wasn't entirely sure what that would look like. Things were a bit hectic as the Directors mom recently passed away so the family's been busy with funeral arrangements. First surprise: teaching... they are pretty short staffed and one teacher has been in charge of both the toddlers and what we would classify as kindergarteners- all of a sudden I'm playing kindergarten teacher. Overwhelming? Yes. Incredible? Absolutely.

There have been a handful of moments where I really feel like I'm getting the eyes of Jesus... one girl in particular has really captivated my heart. Sembeo is 13, but is in my class because this is the first time she's ever been able to attend school- the tribe she's from doesn't value education. I watch as she painstakingly tries to do everything perfectly... she is so hungry to learn. I noticed that she was often struggling to keep up with the other kids so I've gotten in the habit of setting the work up on the chalkboard(yes we still use those here!) explaining it, then stopping to guide her and Zipporah (another newer child) through things a bit more slowly. She takes extra time to do it exactly right... and will notice her own mistakes and correct them- she's smart, just never had the chance to learn. Sembeo didn't know how to write her name yet, we practiced that today, and when she figured out how to do it on her own her face lit up. She stayed late just to practice, and practically skipped to lunch. Knowing that you matter is important. This moment took my breath away...

There is almost always at least 2 children holding my hands (yes- at times two will grab one- they're good at sharing) during their break I wound up with 20 children attempting to pile in my lap at once, and 2 standing behind me playing with my hair. It is perhaps, the best way to spend an afternoon.

There's already been a lot of talk about purpose and vision... Ella (the directors daughter) wants me to help organize a benefit show here- and there's even talk of recording an album with the kids- could be a fun project. We all sang together this morning, and again this afternoon... another one of those instances where you know you are right where you belong. Its already been stated that this is just the start of a bigger ministry the Lord has for me in Africa. Twice... The Lord only knows what will unfold- I just keep moving forward.

Beautiful is passionately pursuing your purpose, and helping other people find theirs.
Beautiful is holding a toddler who's soaked from an accident during nap
Beautiful is four girls crowding around to "plait" your hair, sometimes tugging a bit too hard, while singing songs about Jesus
Beautiful is 20 orphans singing the song "How He Loves" because it's true...
Beautiful is an orphans smile when they feel loved
Beautiful is the hands of an orphan, intertwined with yours
Beautiful is a 13 year old learning how to write her name... the smile on her face that comes when she succeeds... and the fact that she realizes she matters.

Life is beautiful.

Why Leaving is Hard

Almost every day someone asks if I'm excited. I say yes.

I'm not always sure that's true.

Last night my friend Juli asked what I'd do if I had the opportunity to live in Africa long term... I'd do it.

Why this terrifies me? because I dont want to.

There are two sides to every story and I think often times people look at me and see an adventurous spirit... others have identified me as flighty... the surface is deceiving. There is a part of me that longs for consistency, stability... I look around and see people advancing in career paths, starting families. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want that. But I want to follow Christ more.

There is no way you can walk through something like this and expect things to stay the same. Even when I come back the world I return to will have changed... I will have changed. In a sense I feel like I never really know what I'm saying goodbye to when I leave.

And then there's the fact that if I felt called to stay, I'd stay- but I'd miss my friends, my family... my life.

Why do I do it then?

Obedience.

I want to be where God wants me- even if there's pain in the process

I've counted up the cost, and You are worth it.

Final Preparations

I made the mistake of looking back through old blog entries a bit ago. Funny how easily we forget who we are... and how your own words can resonate and convict you: 

"There's something about being where you're supposed to be, doing what you're supposed to be doing. Its my heart. I met up with my grandparents for a bit before the flight Monday afternoon, and as my grandpa said "See you in a month" grandma piped in, "You honestly think she'll be back in a month?" I gave her a funny look, but she followed with "I just know you and where your heart is..." My heart. Funny how far away I can find myself from that. When I first moved back to Minnesota I was yet again attempting to establish roots, convincing myself staying put was a good option- problem is, its not me. I guess you could say I dont want to just live in the world around me- I want to change it. My heart is for the orphans, the forgotten, and abandoned of the world and I realize it has been for a long time. I would give anything to spend the rest of my life working as an overseas missionary focused on orphan care...Now its just figuring out the long term when and where. So, we'll see. I know He's up to something- so much about how everything came about makes that painstakingly clear. Just waiting to hear His voice."

As I prepare for Africa there are so many details that still need to come together in the next week. On some level I'm terrified... a lot of people seem to think I'm staying a lot longer than may (beginning to think everyone but me knows what's going on!) Trying to finish organizing a benefit show, praying for the living expenses to be covered, dreading saying goodbye- knowing that when I return life will have gone on and it cant go back to what it was. Yet for the most part there really is an incredible peace that comes when you know that you are going in exactly the right direction. I know something crazy is happening in this next season, but I'm not entirely sure how it will all unfold- I just have to keep walking forward in the direction of my dreams.

Kenya 2013

"The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.'"

If you've known me for any amount of time you've likely heard me talk about two things. Africa and orphans... If you want to get me fired up ask me specifically about God's heart for the orphans and the churches responsibility to care for them. I get a bit passionate. My heart? To love the least, the lost, the broken... there are so many children- most of whom, without someone coming into their lives will never know what it's like to experience a tangible form of love on earth. My heart breaks for the forgotten and abandoned- I wish I could somehow rescue every single one of them- but there's only one me. I just want others to encounter Jesus through my life, through simple acts of willful obedience, and let me tell you friends, one of us alone can't do a whole lot- but if each of us responded with love when we see a need imagine how different the world would look.

What does this mean? I keep passionately pursuing my God given purpose- keep running forward in this crazy adventure called life, wherever He leads me. Next step? Kenya. I'll be leaving in February to spend roughly 3 months serving at a couple different ministries- a lot of my time will be spent at the Brydges centre- a home that takes in the most vulnerable orphans from the slums and provides them with shelter education and training to become self reliant and skilled in the future, Bob and Nancy are also connecting me with some other incredible connections to work with a couple who rehabilitates a nurtures infants before they are able to go into an orphanage, as well as another who goes into the slums and works with the children there- this isn't going to be a fluffy trip... I'm getting ready to go into a world where I'll truly encounter "the least of these" I dont entirely know what to expect- but I'm prepared to be forever changed and broken in a good way. 

How you can help:

PRAYER!! Yes, this sounds cliche' but its incredibly true- the next few months will be intense and though I'm traveling solo I cant tell you how blessed I am to know I'm not "going alone"

Specific prayer needs

• Health- I want the time there to count! Pray that I manage to avoid any bugs that could detract from time spent
• Safety- both while traveling and living
• Impact- as opportunities present themselves that God'll get me where he wants me and the time will be valuable with a lasting influence on the community I'm serving
• Finances- holding a benefit on the 28th- that it will be fruitful and basic needs will be met, also that airfair surfaces quickly so my ticket can be booked while prices are still reasonable
• Each of the children I encounter- that they will one day encounter and know a God who loves them

Thanks for joining me on this journey, whether it be in prayer, financially, or just tracking the adventure! I appreciate and love you all more than you know!

A Letter to Santa

As I scrolled through the photos from that day I wasn't entirely sure what I was looking for, all I knew was I desperately wanted to put a face to the name that had occupied my heart and prayers for the day- his request was simple:

Dear Santa, Please make daddy stop hitting mommy. Love Ben

Maybe I thought he would stand out- would be able to fake a smile, perhaps he would have sad eyes and a force smile... or maybe look uncared for and battered. I quickly was reminded how early on we learn to wear masks. All the kids looked fine, but somewhere among them is a boy living in a world full of pain... and its likely that among the kids who sat on Santas lap that day, he wasn't the only one. The picture he colored on the other side of his letter was a little boy crying and looking up at Santas sleigh- what an accurate picture of his life right now- desperately looking for hope- praying someone will give it to him.   What broke my heart wasn't just the fact that this boy had written a letter to santa, hoping he could do something, its the fact that he's surrounded by people who dont notice him. I spent a lot of time in tears that day- not just for Ben, but for other people I've likely encountered who are hurting yet I've been too busy, maybe too preoccupied by my own life to notice them.

I'm praying for Ben this year- praying that someone in his life will notice the pain him and his mom are going through-  that someone will take the time to see past the surface where everything is fine, into their hearts... show them they have value and worth, I'm praying that Ben will get his Christmas wish. I guess that's my challenge for you- look for "Bens" in your life, giving them hope is worth more than any other gifts you'll give this year.

Be Someone Elses Miracle...

I'm going to be honest and admit, life since coming back has been rough. I hit the ground running jumping into two jobs, overcommitting myself left and right- hoping that as things just fell into place it was a "God Thing." Quickly realized that not all good things are His thing for you as I hit wall after wall, crashed, burned, and completely withdrew from society. Lately have been struggling to hit the restart button and feeling overlooked. Reality: When you leave life keeps happening. I returned to a different world than I left, even though I didn't make any sudden changes in plans this time (no deciding to relocate at the last minute!) the people I'd considered my circle, my community have shifted into new season. People got married, others are successful in their business ventures, others moved- all great things but makes for a very disoriented Joy. I kind of had a silly breakdown last night feeling like the number of people around me who cared to know my heart- cared to figure out why I'm sad when I'm sad, happy when I'm happy had quickly dwindled. My brain understands that Jesus is enough and that he sees me and cares but sometimes my heart struggles with the follow through...

I was expressing those frustrations to Laura as we walked around uptown after dinner. Talking about how frustrating it is to come back here and feel like you cease to make a difference in the world. How desperately I want to be somewhere... being Jesus to the world around me and how tired I am of waiting on Gods timing to run off and love on orphans somewhere when Luel walked up.

Luel has recently moved here from DC for work, and tonight while waiting at the bus stop had her purse stolen- leaving her stranded, panicked and feeling utterly alone. She felt bad approaching us and as we walked into Mcdonalds so she could get something to eat before we sent her home on the bus there were tears in her eyes- she wanted my address to pay me back, and started crying when I refused... as we hugged and I prayed for her I couldn't help thinking how much she'd actually blessed me. We both needed that reminder that God does care and everything is going to be alright- oftentimes its about so much more than a bite to eat or a couple bucks... its about taking the time to see people, seeing how much value they really have. I think of how often my day completely turned around-  typically the result of someone elses small obedience- we really can be someone elses miracle, just by taking the time to love them.

My Favorites

I've realized lately that my heart is inclined to love people in interesting circumstances. Saturday was the anniversary of the pentecostal movement in Moldova and to celebrate they had a crusade. The pastor of Basillica Emanuel had asked that as we go on house visits we invite people and try to take ownership over certain individuals that attend(tricky considering the language barrier!) Prior to church on wednesday I sat outside playing my guitar and singing and a woman that we've all been informed is one of the town drunks came over and sat by me- lately her and her daughter have sort of found a place in my heart and as I played she kept urging me to continue. I just wish she could understand the words so they could speak into her heart. Nonetheless she seems to have taken a liking to me, "cheering me on" whenever I run by, walking up and taking my hand... saturday she attached herself to me and wanted to stick with me the whole time- what baffles me about this is we have no way to communicate, and then I started to notice the way others interact with her. We are so quick to write people off... and often they're more perceptive to it when we realize- the same thing happened with a guy who came and spoke with the team last night- our translators were apprehensive to have a conversation with him but Tommy persisted. People long to be seen, they long to be valued, they long to be loved. Never write off anyone- there is no limit to the ability Christ has to transform a person- regardless of how lowly they may seem to us. When we take the time to see and acknowledge them as having value and worth and sometimes this message is clearer than any words we could speak. Live out love- you may just change a life.

Break Every Chain

There's a man who sits outside of the apartment complex we stay at... he doesn't speak and hardly interacts with us. I'm not really sure if he has some kind of spectrum disorder or what- but from day one I've really wanted to see him "unlocked." Sunday I got back from church but the rest of the group wasn't there yet so we couldn't get in. In true Joy fashion I opted to play the Jesus Hippy card and pulled my guitar out- he smiled. I shared this small interaction with Tommy our team leader and so a few nights ago when we decided to have a worship night outside we intentionally stayed in front of the building... sure enough he stayed to listen- music seems to break down the walls words cant. Then yesterday as I was leaving with my guitar I held out my hand and spoke to him and he made eye contact and verbally responded... it wasn't really intelligible- but it was a glimmer of hope. Moments like this are such a reminder that their is power through Jesus to break down every chain.

Keep praying for us as our team works to restore the vision of Sinai 30 and build bridges in the community

Learning to Act in Faith

Tuesday we went out to do house visits, on our walk around the town I saw a man in a wheel chair and told the group that I wish I had the kind of faith to just go up and lay hands on people... trusting that God would move- I said that and one of the guys was like, "Well lets talk to him then" as we learned his story my heart broke- he'd gone to help with clean up in Chernobyl and today cant walk and his health is failing. Initially he was apprehensive to let us pray, but the more we listened the more he opened up and actually was alright with us laying hands on him. I wish this is where I could tell you some crazy story where he got up and started walking around, but what did happen definitely left an imprint on my heart, when I put one hand on his shoulder he grabbed the other and held on the way a person does who's desperate for hope- a person who likely hasn't felt loved in a long time... a person who's lost their dignity. After we prayed I asked our translator if I could tell him something simple... all I said was that I wanted him to know that Jesus loves him, and it doesn't matter where he's been or what he's done- he wants to restore him and by the end of it we were both in tears. And that's the truth... Jesus loves some broken people and so should we... the most incredible ministries never happen because people set out to be great, set out to heal, set out to inspire.... it happens because they set out to love and the overflow of Christ's love for them has the power to break EVERY chain.

Longest Entry Ever...

Sorry its been so long! Internet access is very sparse and we've been quite busy! I'll do my best to fill you in, though the real life conversations and emails may do it more justice... I've divided this post up chronologically to make it a bit easier to follow...

The End of the Epic Side Trip

These trips make me realize what a painfully persistent person I can be- a few wrenches were thrown in my initial travel route (economic and political crisis tend to do that) yet obviously, as most of you know- I did make it to Moldova. After exploring Athens I took a boat over to Aegina for a day trip prior to what turned into a long journey to Istanbul. I was so blessed with companionship along the way- made some new friends, convinced them to come with and after a pretty transparent conversation about faith we had a pretty fantastic adventure- rented Mopeds, swam in the ocean... not a bad way to spend the day :o) On the way back a guy came and asked about my tattoos... didn't really know what he was getting himself into... if this is any indication of what my time in Moldova will look like I think Jesus is up to something! 

My initial plan involved taking a train to Thessaloniki and then Istanbul, however due to Greeces economic crisis this wasn't a viable option... time to improvise! From Thessaloniki I took a bus into Bulgaria (hey! One more country to the count!!) Then had to take an overnight bus to Istanbul... a few delays (both in Bulgaria and at the border into Turkey) and another new traveling buddy and I arrived in Istanbul. Was so blessed with companionship along the way! After a day exploring Istanbul and a good nights rest it was time for Moldova...

You, God, are my God,
    earnestly I seek you;
I thirst for you,
    my whole being longs for you,
in a dry and parched land
    where there is no water.I have seen you in the sanctuary

Because your love is better than life

Welcome to Moldova

A dry and weary land... my friends, this is the state of Cornesti right now... and when you are in a community dependent on well water this begins to influence every aspect of life... and ministry. To build a deeper well would cost around 5,000 dollars... when you're partnering with a ministry that's already struggling to survive this isn't really a viable solution. As a team we felt led to commit to praying for rain- even though the forecast was no rain for a month. With seven team members we began to pray seven times a day... boldly asking for the rain within a week. Our hope was this physical outpouring of rain would awaken the hearts of the people in this city- that with it would come an outpouring of His presence.

The Widows Heart

As we work to connect with the community and help the church continue to build relationships in it we've been going on quite a few home visits. One of the biggest things that hit me was the heart of the widow- when we go to encourage and pray for them they wind up completely humbling us. Not once but twice we encountered these beautiful women- completely gracious in inviting us into their homes. One woman can hardly walk and yet she still was on her knees to pray... to have that kind of reverence for the Lord. They have so little, yet what they do have the are willing to give... Jesus give me a heart like that.

Let it Rain

And so the seventh day comes. We kind of became rain watchers- getting excited as the completely blue sky began to have sporadic clouds... excitement growing as the clouds increased and darkened... a couple days ago we began to get glimmers of hope- light showers... today it rained for a bit- God is good. Pray for the city of Cornesti. We need more than a little rain- we need an outpouring to restore this land!! 

So the Journey Begins

I figured I should probably get these Moldova updates rolling- though currently the computer thinks I'm spelling everything wrong because I'm not typing in Greek. If that didn't give it away- or if you haven't been up to date on twitter, facebook, or instagram- I'm in Greece! Aaaand I left about a week early. As I looked at flights I was getting exceedingly frustrated, everything that first week of July was astronomical, a long string of events I wont dig into too much led me to investigate multi city tickets (as much as I wanted to hang out in Chisinau for a week....) Somehow discovered that by flying into Athens and then making my way to istanbul prior to Chisinau I'd save around 300 bucks... and that's factoring in travel, hostels and a bit of food and so, here I am! Without planning to had an 11 hour layover in Paris- which was fortunately during the day as well. Epic adventure.

The majority of the travel was farely uneventful. There were a few times where I was hit with this odd sense of empowerment- managed to get myself from the airport (which is an hour away from the city) to Notre Dam, meandered around a bit, then hit up the eiffel tower- then managed to track down a random Metro station, and though I had to make 4 transfers and one of the lines had two different trains, managed to get on the correct one... (For all you who've ever given me guff about being directionally challenged-evidently I'm a rockstar with directions as long as it involves the Metro) Arriving in Greece everyone I spoke with was baffled that I was traveling by myself and so late and still was determined to take the metro rather than a taxi (missionary budget+adventurous spirit=always opt for public transit) Caught the absolute last train and found my rather lovely hostel- greek buildings are amazing!

Today I spent most of my time at the Acropolis and Parthenon hiking around and accidently happened upon Areopogus Hill (otherwise known as Mars Hill) It was kind of bizarre because initially I didn't realize what it was, I saw a sweet rocky looking hill with a cross, started climbing on it(wrong way of course- which is why I didn't notice the sign) and sort of got chills... when I found out what it actually was I definitely had a moment... such amazing things for the Lord happened in that spot- in fact just days ago I was talking with a friend of mine about Pauls sermon there- in acts 17 something that really jumped out at me is how before Paul launches into an explanation of who the one true God is, validates the people of Athens- almost commending them for their devout religion, and then referencing one of their monuments to an "unknown God" He approaches the Gospel in a way that would be tangible and clear to his audience- he doesn't sugar coat it, but he sees where they're at and uses that to effectively minister to them...

“Men of Athens, I perceive that in every way you are very religious. For as I passed along and observed the objects of your worship, I found also an altar with this inscription, ‘To the unknown god.’ What therefore you worship as unknown, this I proclaim to you.  The God who made the world and everything in it, being Lord of heaven and earth, does not live in temples made by man,^[ nor is he served by human hands, as though he needed anything, since he himself gives to all mankind life and breath and everything. And he made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined allotted periods and the boundaries of their dwelling place, that they should seek God, and perhaps feel their way toward him and find him. Yet he is actually not far from each one of us, for

“‘In him we live and move and have our being’;

as even some of your own poets have said,

“‘For we are indeed his offspring.’

  Being then God's offspring, we ought not to think that the divine being is like gold or silver or stone, an image formed by the art and imagination of man.   The times of ignorance God overlooked, but now he commands all people everywhere to repent, because he has fixed a day on which he will judge the world in righteousness by a man whom he has appointed; and of this he has given assurance to all by raising him from the dead.”

 Now when they heard of the resurrection of the dead, some mocked. But others said, “We will hear you again about this.” So Paul went out from their midst.  But some men joined him and believed, among whom also were Dionysius the Areopagite and a woman named Damaris and others with them.

He met them where they were at... pretty powerful stuff- and though some men mocked him, the ones who didn't were so worth it... That's kind of my prayer with this trip- and my ministry in general... that I would be able to effectively minister and love on people- regardless of where the Lord leads me- by seeing them and valuing who they are and speaking truth into their lives. 

Finally- some specific prayer needs- travel safety... I'd already planned to travel through Turkey and now there's a lot of unrest there- may need to be prepared for an alternate travel route and not really in a spot with much of a cushion to do that- pray for favor and safety- and in general, provision... things have really fallen into place in a crazy God way for me to even get here but I definitely need to trust Him to continue to provide! Blessings!

Moldova Update

Yet again I've fallen of the face of blog world for quite a bit... only to come back with a rather exciting update, I'm leaving for moldova in a month and a half! (According to cyberspace I never left...) There's so much to reflect and share regarding my time back in the states- along with new dreams and visions that have begun to surface, however I suppose its best to focus with what's at hand in this instance... Cornesti Moldova:

In a land decimated by emigration, spurned by a failing economy and severe lack of job opportunities, still fighting off the residue of Soviet occupation and communism, and suffering from its notoriety as the #1 gateway of human trafficking in Europe, where is hope found? Where is God in the midst of this country’s oppressive darkness?

Hope is alive and well in Moldova, fueled by a God who promises to work through the faithful remnant of God’s people to transform the brokenness of the world.
In Cornesti, Moldova, a small, agriculturally based town and village in the western countryside of this Eastern European nation, this hope and its ensuing transformation are living in the people of Basilica Emmanuel, a small but huge-hearted church within the mission of Sinai 30, and their passionate pastor, Vitalie Gaiceanu. The hope for God to transform the desperate and seemingly never-ending cycle of poverty and injustice, to redeem the broken people of Moldova, is found, so Vitalie believes, in the faith-filled lives of local churches and communities that seek to make God’s Kingdom a reality in their worlds.
This summer, a hodgepodge team of ex-World Racers, seminary and college students, young business professionals, and others journeying with God, will embark on a mission to come alongside Basilica Emmanuel and Pastor Vitalie in their Kingdom work, to enter into relational solidarity with them in their longsuffering of the multi-faceted struggles of their country and community.
This is a mission borne out of a response to God’s call to take up our Cross and sojourn with the Spirit to bring the Kingdom into the oppressed pockets of the world. Through preaching, teaching, evangelism and house visits, discipleship and bible study with orphans, street kids outreach, and farming and manual labor, this team will live out this Spirit-led calling in Moldova. Hope and the growing seed of the Kingdom are already there… We are going only to fan this flame through humble servanthood… to participate in what God’s already doing there.
From July 1-August 15th, this mission, Sinai 30 Fire Summer, will become a part of God’s people in Cornesti, Moldova, living life with them in the hope of Kingdom coming on earth as it is in Heaven.
It can only come through the faith of God’s people… Will join us in faith for God’s Kingdom to come in Moldova this summer? Do you want to witness it firsthand by joining our team? Do you want to witness it through our team by investing in us through prayer and even financial support? Hope is alive… it just needs people of faith to make its object, the Kingdom, a reality. Will you help make it a reality?

An outline of what our time in Moldova will look like:

1.     Church work- As the local church, Basilica Emmanuel, is the heart and soul the ministry of Sinai 30, we will participate in and help lead (when appropriate) the 3 weekly church services, 1 of which is geared towards "unbelievers." We will also hold some "Big Evangelism" services this summer, which Vitalie is already organizing, that we will play a role in too. In all of these services, weekly and BIG evangelism, we will help teach, preach, lead worship, pray, give testimonies, etc. 

2.     Discipleship and Empowerment- Most of our time will be spent building and continuing relationships with the people in the church, the orphans at the church, and Vitalie and his team of missioners. This is truly the heart of our ministry in Moldova, using our various gifts and just the simple power of our love to encourage the people in their struggles and life pursuits. There are all different kinds of people to build Gospel-centered relationships with, whether the church members and orphans, or the local community members and street kids.

a.     Orphan Discipleship- specifically, we will lead weekly fellowship meetings with the orphans that will include Bible Study, prayer times, and discussion about life and faith.

3.     Evangelism and Outreach: The main task of structured ministry during the days will be going on house visits with people from the church to people that live in the local village. These visits will be Spirit-led times, but typically include basic friendship building, prayer, encouragement, Bible Study, sharing a meal, helping around the house, etc. These visits will be a balance of reaching out to people the church doesn’t know and people that are friends or members of the church. This is where we seek to fully embody the way of Jesus and live as His people in a faithful witness to the Kingdom of God and its transformative power that God is offering the people of Cornesti to "come, taste and see." 

4.     Manual Labor: The church has a significant amount of self-support agriculture that we will often help with, depending on the needs during the time. This will most likely include gardening, building, maintenance/repairs, and playing with the beavers!

5.     Daily Prayer and Worship: Most days, if not every day, we will lead a morning or evening prayer and devotional time. These prayer times will be for anyone serving in the ministry, including the workers, orphans, Pastor Vitalie, and the American missionaries that will be serving with me. Then at night, we will have a time of worship and prayer with the community again. These are pivotal times of the day that will punctuate our time together around the Spirit of prayer and worship as the Body of Christ. This is what will sustain our community life, keeping us connected in what matters most: the Spirit!!!

6.     Kids Program- During most afternoons, we will help with the Kids Program that church does for local children. This time includes play, relationship building, snack, and some type of structured activity like games, Bible lessons, crafts, etc. our role will be more supportive, not leading (but can be when necessary), and we will focus on spending time one-on-one with the children and living out the Gospel through those relationships. 

The Lord's already been moving so much in these last minute preparations to join this team- and I have a hunch this adventure will be a starting point for an even bigger kingdom purpose. Join with me in prayer as benefits are organized, tickets are booked, and things come together. Blessings!

Hard Truth

I came here fully expecting my heart to be broken for the situation in Cornesti- what I didn't expect was that it would break for the American church...

Riding through the countryside of Cornesti, pastor Vitalie blaring the song "Our God"  and both of us singing at the top of our lungs- yet another powerful worship moment... and this guy truly believes every word he's belting out. Sinai 30- their mission, 30 pastors in 30 villages in 30 years... they are trying to create a sustainable ministry with livestock and farm land- and reaching out to the people of this small moldovan village. Vitalie and his wife came here with nothing... completely trusting God- and it is immensely evident that he's at work. This morning I went to their church service, and as we sang "You wont relent" (in Romanian) I was nearly brought to a point of weeping. These people worship with so much passion. Later the women prayed for me... and I realised- no one taught them to worship this way- want to know what church should look like? Find and evangelical church plant in a village of Moldova and see what they are doing- its completely based off what they read in scripture and what the Holy Spirit teaches them. Legit. I kind of think God is going to use this small movement in the city of Cornesti to shake the nation- who knows, maybe even the world.

I was digging  into Matthew yesterday and contemplating just how challenging the words of Jesus really are to us... he even said "Blessed is the one who is not offended by me." (Matthew 11:6) Thing is- this means, the gospel IS offensive... or at least has the potential to seriously offend those who aren't ready to be changed. The words of Jesus should drive us to action, push us to change, challenge us to abandon our comfortable lifestyles... Are we doing the word or just hearing it? It kind of boggles my mind that when jesus called the first deciples (MT 4) they immediately left their nets and followed Him... think about it- they were fishers! Their nets were the source of income, their security... this is the picture of absolute trust. Later in Matthew 7 he says "Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven" He talks about people prophesying in his name, performing miracles in His name and still never knowing Him... Say what?!? If this doesn't offend you- please read it again... Kind of poses the question, what is the will of the father in heaven? Is it enough to simply go to church, gather together for exciting worship nights, host bible studies in our houses... the list goes on... perhaps the life we're really called to ought to look a bit more radical. Perhaps, just maybe we are called to that "true religion" James spoke of... I'm starting to firmly believe that we will be held accountable for the orphans and destitute among us. Its like the man Jesus told to sell all he had and give to the poor then follow Him... Reality is, nothing we have belongs to us. Even if we possess some wonderful skill- its only because God equipped us with it. Being blessed is a responsibility. What will you do with it? And the more intercultural worship settings I encounter, the more I realize, we cant say- let the people of Moldova deal with Moldovan orphans, the people of Africa deal with their orphans... We're worshipping the same God- we are one body- if we see, we are responsible. Pastor Vitalie said to me yesterday "If everyone in the american church lived the bible the world would change" Ouch. "Whoever does not take up his cross and follow me is not worthy of me." (10:38-39) If we are not willing to deny ourselves and follow him- can we be worthy of him? This is just snip bits of a lot of hard truth... Challenge- honestly read through the words Jesus spoke- prepare to be broken, prepare to be frustrated, prepare to maybe even be offended... prepare to be changed.