Break My Heart for What Breaks Yours

I've sat down to write this blog post six nights in a row... six nights in a row I realized I've barely processed what's been going on in my heart to the point I understand it- let alone am capable of conveying it in writing... but now the collection of thoughts has begun to pile up and so begins my attempt...

Occasionally open doors complicate things rather than simplify... As many of you are aware I was faced with a rough decision this week, for those of you who may have missed the memo, my initial plans for Moldova had some glitches. One of the girls I'd planned to work with wasn't going to be back in town, the missionary who was planning to travel with me needed to go to Latvia and therefore would have to get me early, housing options hadn't surfaced... I began to look into other options- stay with H2H for the rest of January- or the more frightening option... venture to Moldova with no idea what was in store. Guess where I sit tonight? I prayed, I fought God on it a bit... if I went with what I wanted I'd be sleeping in the team house in Bucharest... something in my heart said "Go" so here I am.

One of my biggest apprehensions about going was if I had to pay for housing- the amount would've surpassed what I'd initially raised and budgeted towards Moldova. So Lord- where's this money going to come from... it made sense to stay in Romania... it would be cheeper, I'd had an excess of funds- and then I felt led to give that excess in the Romania account away. Um? Really? I don't know what's happening right now... this is NOT a wise decision. My prayer: "This makes absolutely zero sense to me, but I'm trusting you with the outcome." I'm really glad He's strong when I'm weak... I'd be so useless without him... Anyhow, the majority of this frustrating wrestling process happened in Rosiori. I returned to the team house figuring before I made any sort of concrete decision I should at least find out if staying in Romania was an option- after talking with the staff there I headed up to email the stateside director. First thing I see when I open my email? A paypal donation for the exact amount I'd need for housing in Moldova. God is so unbelievably incredibly good...

Still wrestling with the decision I tried to push it out of my mind- my last few days in Romania definitely left an imprint on my heart. Went to the baby hospital and while there Melinda and I prayed for each of the babies in the room... Thing that struck me- each and every one of us who knows the Lord- is passionately pursuing Him, is where they are today because some one at some point prayed for them. Working in orphan care can be challenging- you wont often see tangible results... but here's a fact, maybe those prayers you and other people speak over their lives will be the reason why someday down the line they will be passionately seeking the Lord in their life. Glimmers of hope...

Visiting Peris to hand out presents wound up wrecking me in more ways than one. One of the boys instantly attached himself to me- I found this funny since he was definitely one of the more aggressive violent children, as he sat opening his present he pulled out a little stuffed dog and handed it to me, he was giving me a gift. Throughout the night he would come and make sure I still had this dog- it was immensely important to him that I kept it- to the point he made sure before I got in the van that this was still in my possession. What would it look like if you gave when you had nothing to give? Lessons these kids can teach us... Another thing that struck me, more ways to be Jesus... A boy walked up to me and another team member and wanted to put what I think he thought was lotion on our hands... it was shampoo, so here we sat rubbing shampoo into their hands- later I found myself playing a made up game... then another child taught me to cheat at said game- then I sat watching a kid do card tricks for an hour, acting fascinated with every one. Sometimes radiating the light of Christ has very little to do with words you say, sometimes the actions you display may be a bit nonconventional, a little silly- occasionally boring... but maybe, just maybe, in your willingness to be there, and genuinely love- these kids will see Jesus.

Finally the decision became rather pressing... If I was going to go arrangements needed to be made- I think I'd known all along what the decision would be. The Rosiori team was heading back to hand out coats and after a final night there I would be dropped off at the train station in Bucharest. My final night at the team house I felt like my heart was breaking- it such a short time I'd grown to care pretty deeply for what God's doing with this ministry, the staff involved, the girls on my team... saying goodbye wouldn't be easy.

We headed to Rosiori and handed out coats at a special needs orphanage- man those girls were full of joy. After that we returned for a final night at Sanda and Mariana's. Recreated the worship night (starting out in a more cozy spot than the kitchen this time though!) I still love hearing us sing the same songs in different languages... how beautiful is it that He knows them all.  Saying goodbye to Sanda, Mariana, the leaders, and all the women from the team really was rough. Sanda came in to speak with me privately and had me in tears within moments. I can honestly say I will hold these women in my heart. I think I kind of understand Paul when he'd write these letters speaking of longing to be with people... Funny how in the kingdom and in Christ there's no limit on our capacity to love.

So now here I sit in Moldova- met Patrick at the station in Bucharest and travel here was pretty uneventful, enjoyed Moldovan food this afternoon and have been pretty blessed by Kalyna's company.. . I love being with like minded people! Tomorrow I head to Cornesti to work with a ministry called Sinai 30, this is actually a few days earlier than I initially planned so things are completely out of my hands now. Their goal is to raise up 30 missionaries in 30 years and create a sustainable ministry with agriculture- currently they have some displaced orphans so that will probably be one of the things I invest my time there in. One thing I do know, this will be more of a "roughing it" spot... heated by fire and no running water- and something about this deeply excites me, looking forward to what He has in store... my only fear- these kids may grab ahold of my heart and not let go...