Deliriously in love... with Jesus :o)

Lately life has me feeling like I'm completely dwelling in the presence of my Lord- so many "small" details come together in such a way that I'm constantly aware of His presence in my life- and it's been good real good. Pretty sure God is crazy awesome. Before i divulge you with today's details I suppose I should fill you in on some recent changes in my life- my saviour can move mountains! Not only did I decide to change my major, but I'm transferring... now. It's all come together so fast, I started contemplating it one night after being on the Bethel site and knowing without a shadow of a doubt that I couldn't return- I started contacting the admissions counselor at Stout and one thing led to another- I had a nice little plan to spend one last semester at Bethel Tying up lose ends... but yet again, I may plan my ways but God's directing my steps. It all happened insanely fast too, I began looking into options- contacted a church about a potential internship and dialoging through email with an admissions counselor. A final conversation with Karen affirmed where my heart was leading- and now looking back it's funny- it felt like such a big decision and now it all makes sense. I went to Menomonie today to register for classes, and again have been reaffirmed that I'm doing what I'm supposed to- there was one slot left in Human Biology- which meets my lab science requirement that I didn't meet while at Bethel and is part of the degree for vocational rehabilitation if i go that route... The insanity didn't come until later though, yet again I find myself in another situation where I'm having to step out on the waters and not really know how things will pan out- none of it makes logical sense- at all! On the way back tonight I was thinking about that- how I really didn't expect to be at Stout at this point, yet if God wants you somewhere- he'll get you there and occasionally you'll be left looking back asking what happened? Anyhow, we drove by a place called the acoustic cafe and I thought out loud "I wonder if they're hiring" to which Karen responded by offerering to go back so I could run in and find out. When I asked for an application the lady said that actually she was finishing two more interviews today- so I went to stout... and came back with a job? Well almost- she asked me to come back, and my interview went extremely well- right down to her saying she'd probably talk to me tomorrow- and if she calls tomorrow that means i'm hired :) So at the moment I am just reveling in the fact that God is good... crazy good.

We can make our plans but the Lord determines our steps...

I love how I never know what my day will look like- the people God will place in my path, the way everything intertwines and all the pieces snap together... I feel so blessed when I have encounters with other people and God uses pieces of my past in ways I wouldn't have imagined. Everything is part of the plan, but often times we have to tell ourselves that. I started off my day over lunch/coffee with my grandparents, I love it when I get to spend quality time with the people I love- one on one, investing in one another (though in their case it's often more investing in me, as I really have little to offer or teach them :)) Anyhow, it was another one of those ironic days, where I talked about something with them, and then had an experience following that relating to what we discussed. We got onto the subject of allowing yourself to be open to the people who God places in your path, my grandma sharing about a neighbor that she's been able to minister to during a difficult time, only for me to later have my own strange- literally in my path moment. It's one of those wonderful rainy days, which calls to be spent curled up with a cup of tea and a good book, certainly not a cold smoothie! This translates into, work was slow, and I was close to going overtime anyhow, so I got off early. Rather than rush right home I headed down the street to Tea Garden, a business that has become one of my favorite places to relax and have quiet time. Anyhow, I met one of the girls who works there on the bus several months back, and we clicked right away on the account of our tattoos (our God is a creative one!) Anyhow, we've discussed having a lunch date long ago, however busy schedules have yet to allow for it- she's been a blessing to me time and time again as she's often inclined to discount or comp my tea :)- yet I've never been able to invest real time in her. That's where the above verse from Psalms seems relevant today, as I said, I planned to get together with her and develop our friendship, but today on my way to tea garden we ran into one another on the side walk and next thing I know I'm sharing my whole faith story. I wish I could share some elaborate wonderful thing that followed, or some awesome way that God used me, but that was it, I couldn't help but think how bizarre it was though, that here I was, encountering someone literally in my path, and opening up to them in a way I'd never plan- only the Lord knows how the pieces all come together.

The Luggage that the Airline Lost...

Sometimes it totally baffles my mind when God reveals things to me... often times they are from the people you wouldn't expect them from- and in circumstances your brain could never fabricate. I have had some unbelievable interactions with people these past two days- I am so energized and excited- and I'm the sort who tends to become so overwhelmed in such circumstances that I'm overflowing and bubbly and tend to want to tell the whole world, whether they want to listen or not...

It started two nights ago, dinking around on facebook I noticed a friend's status mentioned becoming a pastor which somehow led to us talking.... which eventually led to a discovery that God had laid some very similar passions on our hearts, she mentioned going overseas, though was currently held back by the financial burden- and we all know that I've heard that song :) Long story short, I mentioned that going into my story would probably be better over coffee- and she took the initiative so we met up yesterday for tea- It was so refreshing, to share what I've processed overseas and coming back- shocking to find that one of the people who understood the most was someone I haven't had contact with in years... there is something beautiful when two woman, on fire for God get together and share there passions and God given ambitions... the dreams we shared, thoughts we processed- I very much so was left with a burning desire to stir something up... shake the kingdom here on earth.

Today I met with another friend- one who I've sort of been discipling, and WOW... God has just really blessed ME with her presence with my life... and I would be lying to say there weren't times before when I vainly figured it was the other way around- we went for a walk, and as we've been investing time in one another she has increasingly become more whole to me- revealing different sides and dimensions... I feel like I've been learning to see and love the way Jesus does- (though often times VERY FLAWED :() anyhow, we were walking in the woods, and wheels started turning and I just started talking about how God can work in us and through us- and the idea of a mustard seed faith being something small with the potential to grow- and how our faith needs to have that room to grow, we cant place it in a box... we discussed how God uses the week because through them He can be revealed as strong- and the power of the Holy Spirit in her- and let me tell you, it was one of those strange- Ah HAH moments- the day before over tea we had discussed how effective developmentally disabled people can be in harvesting the kingdom- their uninhibited declarations, childlike faith... and I realized that this desire to enable them for the kingdom was a truth that also applied to my friend who isn't developmentally disabled- she has such a deep desire to know God, and grow in Him, and so longs to do something for the kingdom... I cant wait to see what He has in store for her. We prayed together, and she was moved to tears, and it was just incredible- seeing how much she has grown already. I cant wait until she takes that leap, does something out of the ordinary for her- the Lord's already used her in my life... I can only scratch the surface of things to come... on the way back we started singing praise songs as we pranced through the woods, and this undignified behavior continued all the way home. Again I was moved to see her, walking down the streets, making a joyful noise to the Lord, completely unaffected by those we walked past- even genuinely raising her hands in worship... I was moved and humbled... overjoyed to see the love of our saviour flowing through her... um WOW

And the wonderful fellowship continued... there is nothing like the fellowship of believers- and for those of you who know me well- you know that I firmly believe that it is through such fellowship that the kingdom can be shaken and people can be saved... anyhow, we returned and pulled out my guitar, and my desire to continue to learn this instrument grows- I love being able to bless people by leading them in humble worship for the King... Anyhow- we sat on my front lawn and sang, and soon my best friend arrived, we went out for coffee, and that's where the left behind luggage comes in :) It's kind of crazy to look back- and realize how much God has stretched us in the past few years, Aubs and I have been challenged in countless ways- and it's exciting to see how things begin to unfold- quality time with Aubs is always a blessing, but my philosophical thought processing had already been started so this evening proved to be another Ahah moment. A moment I later compared to losing your luggage while traveling overseas... its like the airline ships it to you- but on the way some pieces are lost, and it takes awhile for it to all come together. She was sharing grief about a friend who had drifted, and how hard it was to get quality time, which led us to thinking about the importance of investing and giving time... being in the moment and present where you are- That was a beautiful truth that I brought home from Romania. While there I really discovered that in order to be effective we need to get off this results oriented nature that we've acquired, in Romania I often found my time spent playing basketball until kids were sick of it, letting girls tug on my hair, holding kids until my arms were about to fall off... things that cant be measured- and both of us have had similar recent international experiences. Anyhow, one of the things that was amazing about my time in Europe was that, even in Ireland- I had no agenda- I went with the flow- took things as they came and never really knew what was coming next- and because of that availability I was able to have coffee with strangers, meet people, hear their stories, and experience so much more. When we allow ourselves the freedom to say "Why not" and give people our undivided time so much can be reaped from that- we dont always realize what an impact treating others with worth may have. I shared with Aubree how I think that is one of the biggest tangible changes in me, when I go to work or get together with friends I avoid watching the clock too closely (setting an alarm for work of course) but still, I choose to embrace the moment and the one I am with at that time, otherwise the person is never getting the full you- if you are watching the time the clock becomes another person- one who is hogging all the attention, and if you treat a person with worth, reveal to them that they have value, who knows what that will one day do!? We tied this all back to our kids- maybe we only got to play with them for a few weeks- but the fact that someone saw them as worth the time- someone decided rolling around on the pavement, holding their hand, drawing on their arms, playing basketball- whatever that person wanted to do at that time- was worth our while, that means the world to them. How can someone even begin to comprehend a loving God, a son who cares enough to die for them.... an intangible, unconditional love- if they never experience any form of love on earth?

Now What?

I have been back just over a week. Did I cease to exhist in this time? No, though my blogs become few and far between I promise I am still thinking, feeling, and exhisting... I think I go into a bit of a hibernate mode- not all of me, but definitely a piece of me ends up in a deep contemplative thought not meant to be brought out and exposed until it simmers and develops. Maybe I learn more this way...

One thing is for certain, who I was before is no more, and even as I write this I find it hard to express exactly what is going on- you'd probably best understand over a long car ride or coffee, but seeing as for many of you that's not feasible you get the bits and pieces I am able to accumulate. I am for sure changing my major- which to some of you sounds pretty big, but only on an academic standpoint- It is much bigger than that- it is a very huge God thing. I have NEVER had a four year plans- part of me doesn't believe in them, but this other part has been frustrated with the lack of a sense of direction in my life. That season of my life is currently over (though I'm full well aware that God can and will bring me right back to that place if it is His will) in the meantime, I will be studying Psychology with the hopes of pursuing a Masters in Occupational therapy. WHAT?!? In other words, everything I've worked on for the past three years is more or less out the window- and I have never felt more at peace with a decision. In fact, for the time being, God is telling me to let go of theatre all together... and I currently have no plans of auditioning, or squeezing theatre classes in- and I'm okay with that. I reread that, and still find myself shaking my head, I was told to lay it down, and though it goes against all logic and practicality that's what I'm doing- crazy, but good crazy...

I'm hoping to return to Romania- possibly as soon as Christmas time, and with no interest in the musical I can stay longer than the 10 day trip- who knows what God may choose to do in this time. A friend from work will be coming with me... and I'm hoping to recruit a few more, we're already planning a benifit, getting there will be a growth experience in itself:) I feel like- no I know I left a piece of myself there, and I left, knowing full well I'd return, in fact one day I very well may reside there- God only knows- I'm listening to- not just hearing- God:)

There is nothing in the world as delightful as a continual walk with God, dwelling in his presence:)

They say time flies... really cheesy but really true!!

Oh where did I last leave you... it's hard to believe it's Saturday- er actually early Sunday morning here... in fact I leave for the airport in about three hours:( I'll backtrack to Wednesday- I'll do my best on the recall, however my frantic Wednesday adventure resulted in me abandoning my journal- so lets hope I dont have any senior moments!

Wednesday (Belfast)

Oh me... only I would visit a city- actually technically a different country with the hopes of seeing a statue. Yes Jonathon I do love you... though sometimes I like to practice my acting skills by behaving otherwise:) For those of you who's names dont begin with a J and end with an onathon, and who aren't dedicated fans of C.S. Lewis a little backstory may be helpful-- When I realised that Ireland was for sure was part of my excursion I asked my brother if there was anything I should be sure and see, his first response was "If you get to Belfast, the C.S. Lewis statue." Now if we rewind further back, about two and a half years ago, I went to London- and he had requested a photo of the Eagle and Childs pub, another literary landmark, and my attempts at making it there failed. So I was determined- this was one mission I would not fail.
I headed out of Dundalk that morning, Paula and Martin are amazing and offered to let me stay for the rest of the trip so I left with the plan to make it back by evening. I arrived in Belfast with no idea where to start. I did my typical getting bearings meandering, exploring the city center (crazy shopping going on there) Found the Europa hotel(famous for being bombed a lot), the memorial clock, and some other neat stuff- but no Lewis statue! I promised myself not to leave until I found it, and ended up hopping on a tour bus(one of those things I NEVER EVER do) hoping to see if I could spot it then- no such luck, though I did see some incredible murals ( intresting btw- the city is trying to use art to help bridge some of the gaps and promote peace) Also saw the college that Lewis attended, the place where the Titanic was built, and the old courthouse among many things- facinating, but no statue!! After the tour I again asked locals, and was met with blank stares, most just told me there was a cool mural dedicated to him somewhere- cool, but not the statue! I was told a bus that would bring me by it, but was given poor information, leading to bus ride to the outskirts of town and back again, getting me nowhere, and I had to be back at the station soon so I could catch the last train to Dundalk! I stopped at an internet cafe so I could get a better idea of where it was, but got no street name, just the name of the library. GAHHH Finally I was fed up- and determined to see this statue regardless of the cost, and so, I hailed a taxi, hopped in, explained what I was looking for, had him wait while I hopped out to take a picture, and drive me to the station, only to arrive and find the train was delayed... another tidbit of excitement, they had to shut down the line due to a bomb threat(seems this city has a recurring theme...) Luckily they did eventually send the last run out, and I made it safe to Dundalk:)

Still playing catch up...

Okay we're at Thursday now.... (Westport)

Thursday I ventured out to Westport- the last region I could hit before heading home- and the area I most wanted to see. The train ride alone was beautiful, Irish countryside- rolling green hills, sheep pastures, the sea(sigh) Anyhow, getting to Westport involved a train to Dublin, and then a bus to another station in Dublin, and the final train to Westport- quite a long travel day- but I made it in around 5, and it was so worth it. I actually ended up staying in a B&B that wasn't much more than a hostel would've been, explored the adorable coastal town, and rented a couple movies(FYI- Penelope- adorable movie!) Another night of God totally blessing me though, I happened upon this place, it was actually not that expensive, and the owner was incredible! I got a good nights sleep, anticipating the next days adventure, and the reason I had come to Westport...

Friday (Westport/Murrisk)

How many people do you know who would hike six miles so that they could hike up a mountain? Well if you know me there's at least one:) The main reason I wanted to get to Westport was to hike up the Croagh Patrick- it's the 2,510 ft mountain that St. Patrick fasted on, and one I had read about prior to my visit. It was supposed to be a pretty intense climb and I was determined to get up it(even though my ankle has been acting weird yet again- who knows when I'll be back though!) I got up that morning only to find out that only one of the buses was heading out that day- at four, and seeing as I was hoping to get back to Paula and Martins by evening I was not waiting that long! But to come this far and not make it... what's six miles I figured.... and so I set off, and let me tell you, hiking towards that mountain was actually rather frightening, like it was taunting me- I finally made it, and at that point it was like- well made it this far, might as well go up! And so I began, and let me just say, this was not one of your nice little beaten down footpaths- it was loose boulders, the whole way, and I definitly wanted to be done a couple times, and it hurt a lot some times- but when I got to the top- WOW, one of the few times I can say I was speechless- what a way to worship- declaring his name on the mountaintop... I didn't even want to come down. I met a few girls at the top, Elaine from Dublin and Maryjan from Holland- another totaly God-given encounter- I had honestly been praying for someone to share their water, and not only that- they shared their lunch- what a blessing! And they were Christians- we all found quiet corners to pray before decending... On our way down Maryjan insisted that I use her climbing stick- noticing the limp:) I am immensely blessed in ridiculous ways- Once I reaced the bottom I met an ederly couple who were actually heading the same way, and they offered me a ride back to town, which then resulted in their elderly aunt (picture Granny Lindeen- Irish) deciding I should stay the night with her. By this point I had missed the last train to Dublin and wouldn't be back to Dundalk that night, meaning another night in Westport and so I found myself yet again taken in by a wonderful woman- who made sure I was in a taxi to get to the station bright and early so I could catch the first train out... Did I mention God is pretty awesome?

Alright now I'm finally there!

Finally to today!:) God the first train out of Westport, but suprise suprise, it was delayed- meaning I couldn't take the 11:00 train to Dundalk, but also meaning I had some spare time in Dublin- not necessarily a bad thing:) Also gave me a chance to ring home- wow that sounded Irish... oh dear:) Anyhow, finally made it to Dundalk by four- and it may seem silly to return to Dundalk when I fly out of Dublin, however this couple has chosen to continuously bless my socks off- and had already decided they were driving me the hour it takes to get to the Dublin Airport- preventing me from my initial plan of camping out there- in fact I'd be there right now otherwise! Anyhow, I arrived and spent a quality evening with them- I definitly have a lasting friendship, and now really hope to return one day. We went to the coast( I love the ocean!!) And then came back to grill- I'll be off to the airport in about an hour...

Dundalk?

I have my own room... and a bed- and a bathroom- I got a bubble bath! Confused? Me too- where is Dundalk? Actually just an hour outside of Belfast. I did kiss the blarney stone so you'd think I'd be more eloquent then this! Time to backtrack... So I went to Cork on Monday, it was wonderful, beautiful city. I got off the train and was walking towards the city center and literally a block from the station- there's the Bru Bar and Hostel (Yes I slept in a bar... this is actually the second time I've done that!) The staff was awesome though, told me how to get to Blarney and gave me a discount on the room:) I then went out and explored a bit, eventually hoping on the bus to Blarney and now according to discovery channel I am one step closer to being able to die- it was wild, the guy just dangles you off the edge of the castle- Blarney is beautiful though- unfortunately I forgot to charge the camera so the memories are for me only I ran into this woman named Michelle who was from Massachussettes, and we ended up talking and wandering around the castle grounds together- she gave me an Irish travel blessing card- I love the human interaction I'm having on this trip!

Now for today...

I got up to check out today and ran into this boy I had briefly spoken to last night, and needless to say I decided I didn't like him- he came across pretty arogant, and made fun of my Jesus sweatshirt. Oddly enough he mentioned that this morning- and also decided he wanted to go to Cobh with me(the last calling place for the Titanic) and so, I adopted an Agnostic, British traveling buddy named George. We hopped the train to Cobh, accidentally got of at Fota, which resulted in finding an awesome wildlife park with free range kangaroos!! Continued on to Cobh, which was wonderful- I love being by the sea. It was strange though- he definitely asked about my faith a lot- I felt so wishy washy today though... where did my boldness go? Speaking of bold- definitely hitchhiked today- no worries I'm not a complete idiot- I'd never do that alone, but since we got off at the fota my pal George opted to introduce me to the finer points of hitching a ride... wow.

And back to that wonderful bed- I was hoping to head to Galway today, however my train from Cork was delayed and I couldn't catch the last Galway train, instead I ended up heading to Connely station to head to Belfast, and met a wonderful women named Paula, we talked and enjoyed the sea we were zooming by- I love train rides during sunset I might add... anyhow long story short she invited me to her house in Dundalk, which is less than an hour by train from Belfast, so God completely blessed my socks off yet again, this time with lodging and food... did I mention- wow?

First Night In Dublin

So I never really recapped my first day and Gods continuing awesomeness... Anyhow yes, so I got into the city, and hit that- huh now what (my first thought- find a hostel) I was looking for a street I knew had a couple and kind of happened upon that street rather easily- they had space:) And it turned out to be a great choice- awesome roomates from the states(hung out with them last night) and free internet and breakfast:) God is so good... Then I went and did my usual first night in the city meander, Hit up Trinity College as well as Irelands equivalent of the Miracle Mile- found Bewleys, a resturant that's famous for it's coffee- which was a fun little stop, and then this beautiful park- good for quiet time:) Today I'm out to conquer the city again... who knows where that will lead:)

Not done yet...

My first full day in Dublin began with a peaceful walk along the river, and then a self guided tour of the Grand Canal area- beautiful- I listened to Bethany Dillon- Just me my ipod and Jesus- so good- saw the birthplace of George Bernard Shaw and St Stephens church- I was just proud of myself for not getting lost:) Anyhow, after finishing those walking tours I sat at a bench in the Canal Park and was pondering over my map- debating my next plan only to be startled when someone sat on the bench next to me- he startled me a bit, but soon Alexander was my new friend- wow what a broken man, I'm not sure why but he ended up sharing his story- initially from Kyrzakstan he's been in Ireland for 6 years now and at one point had a job and things were going well and then his life fell apart, he's been homeless for sometime now- not knowing where he will sleep or eat next. I almost felt as if God allowed me that fear to better understand people like him... perhaps just a glimmer- I cant imagine what it would be like day in and day out though- anyhow long story short I ended up telling him about my journey yesterday, and realized that God had blessed me and I couldn't not pass the blessing on so I offered to buy him lunch- which he refused, but I'm stubborn and won- so next thing I know I'm walking to a corner market with my homeless friend Alexander, when we parted ways I prayed with him- oh how I keep getting pushed out of my comfort zone... and told him I would continue praying for him... I feel so useless though- I left and wished I had done more. That is one thing I'm encountering a lot in Dublin- a feeling of helplessness- I see things so much differently now then I used to, and my heart is broken at the sight of the poverty that is prevalent in this city- I wish I could actually make a difference... I feel so blessed to have encountered Alexander and hear his story though- I am amazed how God continues to work in me on this trip... After parting with Alexander I went on another self tour, this time of the Temple Bar area- happened upon the Irish Film institute and Photo Gallery and took time to soak in the exhibit, though my mind and heart were still preoccupied with Alexander and his story... I decided to see a foreign film- good times:) And while waiting sat down for a cup of tea, only to have the waiter comment on my tattoo- what a day what a day... he decided we should go out for coffee after he was off work and I was out of my movie- Who gets themselves into these situations? God is challenging me majorly- he has very new agey beliefs, and I really wanted to cop out of the coffee excursion- not feeling up to that sort of intense conversation- I'm not capable of handling these sorts of things right now! God is though... and my goodness was I bold- my new friend from portugal ended up buying me dinner (and a teapot, so I would remember him) and over this dinner he actually commented on how I have a glowing Aura- to which I said- that would be the love of Christ shining in me. WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?!? Oh how I wish I could've made a difference in that mans life- I pray God will work on his hardened heart... I planned on a low key day... but God determines my steps...

Do not worry about tomorrow... no, serious!

Matthew 6:25-34 (NIV)

25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

This is the passage I found myself reading over and over and over again. The day started out kind of testing my ability to not worry... I had a friend looking for a place for me to stay once I got into Dublin- with limited funding I really didn't want to spend more than necessary, but never heard back- and was reminded in Heathrow how foolish that was- you cant exactly tell passport control that God's got it covered.... So anyhow nice passport control dude pretty much convinced me I was doomed- and with that mindset I found myself reading that passage over and over as I waited to board my plane to Dublin and not panic. I ended up next to this little girl Maria, and her father- both Dublin residents. That little girl was so stinking mature- I was telling her about the orphanages and she honestly was thinking about how unfair that was- it's amazing when children grasp something most adults dont, anyhow- her father was telling me how necessary it was for me to get out of Dublin, and see the country- and also how I really should stay in a B&B instead of a hostel and so on- leading me to explain my slight predicament- in those oops I'm going to Dublin situation you dont exactly have cash falling out of your ears.... ANYWAYS eyeah- so Long story short, we met up again by baggage claim, and he told me to have fun in Ireland, and then he repeated that(I'm thinking okay- this man really wants me to leave...) Totally not catching that he had shoved a wad of Euros in my hand- I started crying right there- He told me that what I was doing in Romania was really important and that I needed to enjoy my time in Ireland- I didn't want to be rude and count the money so I waited until I was away to unfold what I assumed was probably like 90 Euros or something... Um I was quite wrong... there was definitely 8 bills in that wad... My life is excedingly bizarre- God kept telling me not to worry- and then he pretty much had to smack me over the head with that truth- he provided above and beyond what I even could imagine and I cant even begin to comprehend why he brought me to Ireland....

Saying Goodbye

It is unbelievable how quickly time passed while here- its funny because it feels like it was such a glimmer, but at the same time so much has happened that I haven't even been able to begin comprehending. God has really been pulling me back into leadership roles on this trip(scary!!) I found myself often volunteering to pray outloud for the team (not my forte) but when thinking about it, realised that was probably good preperation for the baby hospital... Today I signed myself up to lead the morning devo- I always get myself into those situations! God totally used it though- its amazing how when he speaks through you he can also speak through you... It was strange going to the orphanage for the last time this morning- I really hope to return but that's totally up to God, Aurel hugged me like four times and kept telling me he loved me- it's amazing how much love those kids have to offer... I really hope I can keep in touch with some of them. I just dont know- today has been a day of a lot of contemplation and thought processing- I'm pretty sure I'm changing my major, and just really dont know what's coming around the bend- All I really know is that God will guide my steps:)

Today I think I know why I came... I had a moment, and if this is the only reason God called me here it was whole heartedly worth it... I ended up going back to the older baby hospital today- I had been hoping to go to the new one so I could see all the areas of H2H's ministry, but no one was signed up at first- and I didn't want Corny to go alone. We got there and I felt so at ease- I went and changed Elaina- something I had been a little weary of doing at first- she's so stiff- And then went to hold Valentina again, she actually acted as if she recognized me, relaxing in my arms, it's so hard to support her neck though, she ended up falling asleep in my arms. I found myself thinking- this has probably hardly ever happened in her life- most children are rocked to sleep in people's arms countless times- this little girl- at 7- spends most of her life in a crib, she gets fed, changed, everything in that crib. If we dont come out to hold these children no one does.... After she fell asleep I went over to Hermina- she had an IV in today, and seemed really angry about this- it drives me crazy that these kids recognize me- deemed invalid and useless in society it's obvious they have so much potential... there is something going on in there! Anyhow, the nurse actually had me give her medicine since she seemed to be responding well to me, she still didn't like it though... that little girl needs to be active. There was a new baby there today, her mom was actually staying with her- most of the kids in that room had long since been abandoned- but she was in because she is 4 and a half months- they're worried she might have the same thing as Elaina- my heart just broke for her- she was watching me working with the other kids and was smiling- we told her that her baby was beautiful- which seemed to touch her a lot. Its so easy to judge other parents who leave their kids, but it's not that simple- the doctors encourage it- it scares me to think they may be pressuring this mother to leave her baby, they are often told that the kids are retarded and are going to die anyways.... they dont have wheelchair ramps in this culture, nothing is accesible- they don't realize what a blessing individuals with special needs can really be... Anyhow yes, this mom for some reason connected with me- she actually motioned for me to cross myself and bless the baby(I have returned to the region of orthodox catholicism...)- and praise God for Corny, I had her translate so we could talk- she saw how I interacted with the other kids and thought for sure I was a mother:) but then I asked her if I could pray with her... I am not the type to do that- really, next thing I know I'm praying over this baby, Corny translated, the mother was crying, and after I prayed she thanked and hugged me, and then Corny started praying for the baby, during which time I held the childs shaking mother- how you can connect so deeply with someone you have no way of communicating with is beyond me, but we understood each other- again God reminds me of how loudly love speeks... She was shaking and clinging to me- I know she was holding on to me the same way her heart was holding on to hope- that woman is so longing for hope- she loves that little baby, and so badly wants to fight for it... I really hope she does. I thought I was broken before...