Foxes have holes and birds have nests...

"...'Teacher, I will follow you wherever you go.'

Jesus replied, 'Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.'

Another disciple said to him, 'Lord, first let me go and bury my father.'

But Jesus told him, 'Follow me, and let the dead bury their own dead.'"

Matthew 8:19b-22

Foxes have holes and birds have nests... what about me?? This week I've been finding myself a bit anxious to have some semblence of consistency, tired of feeling displaced. I long to actually feel as if I live here- not like I'm just on a visit. I've been looking for apartments on craigslist, Katie's sent out an email- the right fit just hasn't turned up yet. I've been so blessed to stay here- dont get me wrong, but there is something to be said for getting to unpack...

I just finished my third day at Brixx, and so far things are going pretty well- it's more laid back than I'm used to, but I think once I start bartending and get a fairly consistent schedule I'll find my niche'. Fortunately they're cutting my server training period from five days to three so I'll be getting real people shifts on serving side next week, Saturday will be my first and maybe only bar training shift then I'll be good to go- not just a shadow :o) Before too long I'll be closing bar Friday, Saturday, Sunday and maybe one other day during the week... PTL for no more split shifts!!!

Besides getting myself on a consistent schedule, one of the things I'm commited to regarding my time here- however long it may be- is that first and foremost will be my church/community life- work will have to fit around that. I'm really hoping to figure out where I belong within the body of Two Rivers soon so I can start to feel at home there. Today, I met with the Jr High Youth Pastor and got another reminder of how much I've really missed working with youth, it's something that hasn't really been a part of my life since I left Menomonie over a year ago and it's high time to change that. It sounds like I'll get to love on 6th grade girls this year and maybe help with worship, I'm pretty stoked about that. During the conversation he posed some interesting questions as far as how long I'm here for, and if I'm starting to get any sort of sense of why I'm here... I guess it's too soon to tell.

Someday I hope I'll know why I landed in Knoxville Tennessee- but until then I know the most important thing is to not get distracted by what's ahead or next, and to focus on what's right in front of me because God's got me where I am at the moment I'm there for a reason, and I dont want to be staring ahead and miss what's right in front of me. I need to be following Him and glorifying Him in my daily life- abandoning all else.

That passage in Matthew 8 has always resonated with me- If we truly want to follow Christ we've got to be willing to give up EVERYTHING. If we want to go where He goes it may mean doing things that dont make sense- dont look right or practical to the rest of society... it may mean not really fitting in- it may mean feeling a bit displaced. The son of man has no place to lay his head... why should I?

And the verdict is...

Have I ever mentioned that my life is somewhat ridiculous... if not, I am now. I had a job interview today- in Knoxville Tennessee... I decided to come to Tennessee a little over a week ago- have been here a little over a week... and got a job today. I'm not entirely sure how it even happened, I'd decided to start putting some applications in, what harm could it do? I figured it would take some time before anything started to surface, and then at least I could kind of see what is out there- start weighing options...

Since arriving here I've been contemplating what's next- everything I'd planned on going pretty much out the window brings you to a place where there's a lot of options. I'm not going to Africa with the Dvorak family, so there's not necessarily the need to return to where I was figuring on leaving within a few months- I am however figuring on leaving the country sometime relatively soon- hopefully within the next year, so basically until then I need a place to live and work. Options : Minnesota, Missouri, or Tennessee....

Here's the thing, my life in Minnesota was starting to suck the "Joy" (sorry I know, it's mildly punny) right out of me... I wasn't really in "my element" and hadn't been for a long time. I love my family- that's obviously a big plus... but it's like those Misty Edward's lyrics that had resonated with me so much (see July 1, 2010 entry) I also have connected with this amazing group of woman and been blessed so much with having them in my life... but it's the sort of friendship that doesn't really change by being absent- they fought for me in prayer while I was in Guate- pretty sure they'll do the same for me in Tennessee. Unfortunately, work was pretty much consuming me though- being newer and having an open availability meant I was getting a lot of split shifts- so bits of hours here and there that pretty much consumed every day... couple that with a lot of creepy guys trying to weezel their way into my life, a lot of late nights with coworkers, and not really feeling like I had a "church family" or fellowship besides bible study.... the potential to destroy.

In the grand scheme of things I figure wherever I am right now is just a training ground for whatever lies ahead- it's all just my temporary home anyhow, so does it matter what the zip code is? Where I want to be right now is wherever the Lord wants me to be... and I'm thinking where he'd have me is going to be a place where I can be restored, built up, reaffirmed and better prepared before going out. In the short time being here I've already felt like I was coming into a legit representation of the body- my first sunday at church 2 different people who don't yet know me took initiative to pray for me, reaching out to someone they didn't know, I've seen prayer and listening to God be an active part of the ministry, the holy spirit present and moving throughout the people- not hindered or restricted to a box,visited a small group and actually had people inviting me in- genuinly caring to know my heart, and have already begun to develop connections and friendships with some of the girls here... I feel like this is a place I could honestly belong... for a season.

Then there's a job- I didn't pursue this job, didn't follow up with them, it basically fell into my lap. I went to the interview today, and had an awesome conversation with the manager- I was very real with him about who I am- mentioned that I've come here from Guatemala, he asked if it was for missions work- I straight up told him that my heart is in missions, and that's what I want to be doing sooner or later, and that basically for now I needed to work and pay off loans, and prepare for wherever I was going... Knowing this- knowing that I'm inclined to leave the country at some point- he offered me a job- a good one, I'm not getting the typical start out on the restuarant side, work your way up to be a closer kind of treatment- he hired me on the spot as a closing bartender, meaning I'll get regular long shifts, a regular schedule, and be working evenings where there's money instead of slow lunches. How exactly did this happen?

So there you have it, as of today, it's looking like I'll be residing in Tennessee for a bit, a place that wasn't even on my itinerary- funny how the Lord charts our steps... things always look a bit different when you give Him the reigns.

This Far

These are lyrics from a favorite Jason Gray song of mine, music really does speak to the heart. It's so relevent- here I am, completely not where I thought I'd be, having let go of a promise I thought I heard from Him... It is kind of haunting, am I really following His will... or have I gotten off track- it's hard to tell if I'm faithful sometimes... I find comfort in this song- I really dont believe He's brought me this far to give up- I just need to keep fighting for it- and be grateful for those glimmers I have had when I see how he's leading me :o)

The first time I heard You call my name
I saw the man that I could be
My life was like a gift that You gave to me
But now I’m haunted by the memory of
A promise I thought I heard from You
And I’m not as sure of all the things I thought that I once knew

I don’t believe You brought me this far to give up
So everyday I keep on fighting for it
Show me again what I was made for
Help me to see You’re still moving me

It’s hard for me to walk by faith
In the face of all that I can see
Sometimes I feel I’m just a fool for my belief
But then I feel You come and move in me
I hear You whisper in my ear
And for a moment I can see just how You brought me here

I don’t believe You brought me this far to give up
So everyday I keep on fighting for it
Show me again what I was made for
Help me believe You’re still moving me

With each passing glimpse of Your promise
You’re leading me on
Don’t let me falter now

I don’t believe You brought me this far to give up
So everyday I keep on fighting for it
Sometimes it’s hard to tell if I’m faithful
Or for me to believe You’re still leading me

I don’t believe You brought me this far to give up
So everyday I keep on fighting for it
Show me again what I was made for
Help me to see You’re still moving me

I still believe cause You carried me this far

Tennessee

Never underestimate the power of a loving King who delights in giving good gifts to His children... What a blessed... and occasionally spoiled child I am. For those of you who dont know, I'm now safely in Lenoir City Tennessee and it was quite an adventure getting here.

I arrived at the airport and while at the ticket counter, asked the agent if there was any way to get me in a window seat- he informed me the flight was full, but that he'd see what he could do... I figured it was a lost cause and prepared myself to deal with my middle of the row-back of plane seat. Once inside I decided to track down coffee to use up some of the lingering Q I had left, coming down the stairs after my latte I had to do a double take- of all the flights to end up on, the highschool girls who had been volunteering at the same orphanage as me wound up on the exact same one- so bizarre! We figured we'd most likely never see each other again, it was so encouraging to get to talk about what God had been doing in our lives over the week- and to actually have traveling buddies to hang out with! :o) As we were catching up all of a sudden they're calling me up to the counter... apparently my asking for a window seat warrented an upgrade to first class... my life makes me laugh sometimes :o)

We boarded the flight and for about 5 minutes I tried to act like it was no big deal to be in first class- and then I gave up and decided to allow myself to be amused from everything to the full dinner they served to the hot towels we got beforehand- so ridiculously favored sometimes, I had to laugh when I contemplated what the kids I had been talking to in line must have thought to see me sitting there... (rich dad I'm guessing they figured) And I realised how true that was... We are children of a King- and he blesses us far beyond what we even need.

The rest of the trip wasn't exactly smooth, storms caused us to be rerouted to Charleston, turning a three hour flight into a seven hour one. Then it took two hours for my guitar to make it from the check point to baggage claim- we left the airport at midnight for a flight that should've been in at 6:15... but now here I am, I have to laugh when Katie introduces me, the typical answer as to how long I'm here is "Indefinitely" and I guess we'll see- there's not really a reason why I have to rush back to Minnesota- its kind of strange to literally have no plans or direction... I'm in Tennessee right now- and that certainly wasn't part of my plan! I dont know what the future holds, but I do know who holds it.

Reasons Why Guatemala is Beautiful

Yesterday a woman at the earth lodge asked me if I felt victorious… as if I’d overcome something and embraced what could have been a bad situation and made it a good experience… at first I wasn’t sure- but as I swing in a hammock and look out at the mountains while writing this I realize the answer is yes, though I’m pretty sure the victory belongs to that loving King I serve. Though I have a pretty horrible story to share, there are also good ones and blessings in ten-fold.

That’s what this particular post is going to about- focusing on the glimmers. It reminds me of my freshman year of college when a roommate and I had a particularly frustrating evening, leading me to post a list on our door of reasons why life sucked, warning all who entered- The next morning I replaced it with another, slightly more kosher list of reasons why life is beautiful- and it is- it’s a precious fascinating thing...

For your entertainment and for nostalgia's sake I'm posting those here as well...

(Sorry Katie, I kidnapped your photography- but you photographed my awesomeness, so fair game :oD)

The second list is difficult to read- so I want to highlight numbers 10 to infinity-

10) Christ didn't come for the perfect

11) He washes away our imperfections and makes us whole in Him

12) He has an incredible plan for our lives

13) We belong to Him

Infinity: He is with us always

Funny how something I wrote almost five years ago now can be so relevant to today... The girl on my floor who had photographed these also blogged about them- and the fact that the new list showed up in the morning- "Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes in the morning" (Psalm 30:5) And it does- though we may go through life experiences that bring us to a place of breaking, He is with us, we are His, and He has an incredible plan for our lives... Joy will come in the morning!

So here it is, my reasons why my time in Guatemala is beautiful in its own special unique way

*Those kids… I wish I could’ve brought Jostin, Maria, and Noemi home

*Being able to connect with Delmi, the severely epileptic girl-seeing her smile!

*Holding babies for hours and hours, and though getting physically tired, but not being tired emotionally

*Not understanding the words being sung during worship at church- but realising we're worshiping the same God

*Praying with the Dvorak boys when they were scared and being able to get them peacefully to sleep

*Living in the mountains

*Hiking in the woods on a daily basis- being surrounded by Creation

*Experiencing village life- going to tiendas

*Spending time in Antigua- not getting lost!

*Acquiring a Swiss-travel buddy for a day- pretty fun!

*Getting to be good friends with Donna

*Being able to share my testimony with a group of girls here with the Suzi Mag group

*Finding my way to the worship service without getting kidnapped, maimed, or lost!

*Experiencing America Latina Christian school- a ministry run with love

*Incredible lightening last night! Watching a lightening storm over the mountains from a hill

*Lovely sunny days mixed in with the dreary rainy ones

*Riding in a Tuk-Tuk by myself

*Taking a chicken bus that didn't get robbed

*Finding a hostel that has a tree-house lodge and serves amazing food!

*Feeling like God’s hands were totally all over my departure- and how immensely blessed I was in the process

*Even when I travel alone there are people back home caring about me and praying for me

*The fact that right now, at this very moment, I’m in a hammock, surrounded by mountains and volcanoes- and going to sleep in a tree house

*Learning more and more about how I’m wired, and listening to where God’s calling me- not where others want him to call me

*Making a difficult decision and not backing down from it

*Re-realizing yet again, how important it is to function within our God passions

*Having no idea what each day holds but knowing it is in His hands

Pretty sure I serve an awesome God!

Pressing On

This grieves me as much as some of the biggest hurts I've had- the devestation I felt after the most recent email from Becky pained me in a way that broadsided me... I've been telling people it hurts worse than a break up, I think it's because she cut into the single most important aspect of my life- the entirety of who I am... my faith.

I successfully got myself from Guatemala City to Antigua yesterday, meandered around Antigua and saw what I wanted to see without getting lost, hopped on a tuk tuk, and got to the resort the Susie Magazine group was staying on... Did I mention I dont speak a bit of Spanish? Occasionally when I look back on the stupid things I do I wonder how my parents sleep at night... All this went off without a hitch though, and I was so glad I made it to the worship/devotional.

First off I wound up talking with a group of highschoolers- totally energized by being around them, they wanted to know the whole story as to how I wound up there- so we wound up with an hour long "Story time" where I shared my *ahem* supposedly invalid testimony (yeah- yeah, I know, that sounds a tad spiteful... :op) Anyhow 9 new facebook friends later, we headed down for the message. I love how the same words can touch so many people in such different ways. She was talking about Philipians 3, how every gain Paul had was worthless compared to the infinate value of knowing Christ Jesus... how we need to become radically like Him- how remarkable is it that Paul wrote this from a prison, saying he wants to know Christ MORE- that we should press forward with intensity, regardless of our external situation because our internal calling remains the same. Our entire world can crumble, but knowing him is what consumes us... EVERYTHING ELSE IS GARBAGE!!! How perfect is that... my dreams and hopes for Africa: dead; my plans for the summer: out the window; How I anticipated my time in Guatemala to be: ha!.... but in the midst of this "Roman Prison" I want to know Him more than ever. I will not let this black cloud hover over me- I will press on towards what's ahead.

What needs to resonate in our hearts- every fiber of our being is not how we've known Christ in the past, or how we will know Him in the future- it's knowing Him in all His fullness, at this very moment...

What can I say? What can I do? But offer this heart oh God, completely to You

Sometimes love what happens when I put my iPod on shuffle and see what songs come on... These lyrics from the Bethany Dillon song "All That I Can Do" seemed relevant :o)

I ran around the room again
I ran outside and ran back in
And I just couldn't get away from myself
I don't care what tomorrow brings
I won't back down for anything
I want to think that I was made for something else

I can't wait anymore
I'm ready to reach
So I'm closing the door behind me

All that I can do is hold onto you
And follow where you lead
Where you're leading me
All that I can do is hold onto you
And let you bring me through
It's all that I can do

There are days I think I don't need you
There are days when I can't see the truth
I need you to save me from the lies
Because every thought that's in my head
And even when I draw my next breath
You knew it all before there was time

When the waves begin to rise
And all my hope fails
In confidence I'll close my eyes
Trusting you'll be there

Positioning Moves...

I sit in a small Antigua cafe, watching horse drawn carriages clip clop by while sipping horchata (rice milk drink) and begin to rummage through my purse- hoping to find something to read as I wait for my salad- tucked inside my bible I find a reading entitled "Overcoming Blocks and Hinderances to hearing God's voice." (It had been from a bible study meeting months ago and for some reason I still hung on to it) As I began to read I felt as if these particular words were a message straight from God to me:

"...some of God's commands are simply positioning moves and are never meant to be fully carried out. Instead, God re-directs us in midstream. An example of this may be seen in Genesis 22, when God asked Abraham to sacrifice his son. However, as Abraham began to act in obedience to this order, God changed it, telling him not to sacrifice his son. Now was Abraham's first word from the Lord wrong? No, God was simply positioning Abraham in order to fulfill one of God's goals for his life. Once the test was completed, God discontinued the action midstream with new orders."

This was one of the biggest aspects of my testimony that was wripped appart- I was told God's calling is irrevocable, and if I don't follow it blood is on my hands- later in the final meeting I had with Becky, she disected my entire testimony, essentially establishing it as invalid, telling me that God wasn't really ordering all these steps or calling me all these places- I was simply running from His calling. Now, perhaps I've had more postitioning moves than some- particularily for my age, but each and every one of them came with fruit... I've encountered different people along the way, shared my faith, developed some of my closest relationships... I am choosing to rest in the fact that that's what they were- God's moves to fufill HIS goal for my life.

It still hurts.

Letting go of plastic pearls yet again...

I love pearls. Typically you'll find me wearing a plastic strand, regardless of the clothes I'm wearing. My pearls remind me of a story I heard a few years back in Sr. High youth group. In the story a little girl named Jenny had a plastic strand of pearls that she loved very much, she wore them everywhere and each night, after her father read her a story he would ask "Jenny do you love me?" to which she'd reply, "Oh yes daddy, very much" he'd then ask her for her pearls, and she would try to offer up something else that was special to her...anything but the pearls! Finally one night when he came in to read to her, she was sitting on her bed with tears in her eyes, clutching the plastic necklace- she gave it to her father and he pulled out a strand of genuine pearls... He had them all along! The father had just been waiting for Jenny to give up the plastic ones. I am Jenny... I hang onto hopes, plans, dreams, jobs, family, friends.... all good things, but often times I just need to let go- because God has something even better when we do. Sometimes even things that seem good and wonderful are not what God wants for us- but that requires us to trust... trust is scary, it requires to give up what we know and love, things we cherish- without knowing that we'll get anything in return.

This week I let go of a strand of pearls I'd been clutching tightly for quite some time: I've been hoping, planning, and dreaming about Africa for almost a year now. Shortly after dropping everything to go to Guatemala I realized Africa with this missionary family was not my calling...and I tried to fight it. Every day working with them was a struggle- it didn't coincide with a God-passion, I couldn't connect with the mother- she was very difficult to work with and abrasive... One the other hand every time I worked with the orphans my heart would break for them, I continuously found myself connecting to the kids no one could reach, and every time I took a day to fast and pray, I heard consider your calling... Everytime I heard from God, it wasn't what I wanted to hear. I considered my calling and re-realized yet again: I love working with youth, leading groups, worship, missions, orphans, reaching out to the unloved of the world... seeing the unseen... Would any of this be fufilled in going to Africa with this family? The more I asked, the firmer the answer became- going with them would dedicate the next two years of my life to nannying those children, and as I saw in my month working with them, my interaction with the people I so desperately want to love on would be limited... And so I let go- and wasn't quite prepared for the aftermath that followed.

They could tell I was hiding something, and she wasn't the sort I felt I could confide in or trust... so I held it in longer than I should've and was evasive, and that I regret and shouldn't have done- but when it finally came out I wasn't expecting the aftermath that followed.

In two days I was called up for three seperate meetings, all with no notice therefore no time to prepare mentally, emotionally, or spiritually- in these meetings everything I am: my story, my relationship with God... my entirety was wripped to shreds. I was told I have no faith, that God hasn't really called me on this crazy path I've followed, that I had a deceptive spirit, and that my attitude was affecting the other volunteers (both of whom were sick, which was why they were withdrawn- it had nothing to do with how I'd been treated) This is just skimming the surface of the words spoken over me the past few days. All this because of being evasive regarding removing her on facebook (did I mention she's a bit scary!), deciding against africa, and because I started asking for a day off after not having one free day in the month I've been here. My heart hurts.

In the midst of all this- God has been so present... I was told to change my flight to Wednesday- no regards to the fact that I spent everything I had to come to Guatemala, I was also told I would be moving to the team house to stay there by myself from now until then- that was when I knew it was time to leave- within hours of people finding out what had happened the following events occured:

* One of the highschool volunteers slipped me about 50 dollars worth of q

* The house mom from downstairs gave me q for food

* The highschoolers also stuffed my pack with all of their snack food (this is a huge deal when you're serving in an orphanage where all you eat is beans and rice- essentially equivalent to the widow giving her two mites)

* Three people offered to pay to change my ticket

* Another person booked and covered a hostel for me to stay in

* Two friends put money into my checking account

* Another gave me credit card info to cover anything that was needed, also provided a phone card

* I wound up at a Christian B&B

God is so immensely good beyond anything we can comprehend or imagine- much of His provision came from places I didn't even expect. Even when the "church" beats you up, His love reaches past that.

I dont really know what's in store now, I know He does, and whatever it is, He's got it covered. I've decided not to book my flight change until I'm sure there isn't somewhere else in Guatemala I'm supposed to be- and when I do go back to the states, I'll begin looking into the opportunites with Reach Global- I'm going somewhere, I just dont know where :o) I've let go of another strand of plastic pearls- cant wait to see the genuine ones that come out of this mess.

Considering my calling...

Today a group from Susie Magazine(Formerly Brio) came to help with some projects (Painting the school house etc). First off, I was pretty excited that it was a Brio group- I had always wanted to go on their trips when I was growing up, it was also fun getting to talk with them a bit- if I can get a night off I'm hoping to go hear Susie Shellenburg speak- it'd be refreshing to hear a teaching in English!

In the midst of all the chaos of having 30-some extra hands on the grounds, I again found myself contemplating... what is my calling? The other night I wound up doing a bit of an impromtu devotional time with the two volunteers who came to spend a few weeks here, and will actually be doing devotionals and worship with them a few times a week, but then even with this group here I found myself interacting with them very comfortably- sharing my story as to why I'm here etc... It was funny because I started to realise I give off a bit of an "administrative vibe- people tend to ask me questions and expect me to have answers- I realised while standing there that I could very well see myself doing stuff like this all the time, working in a ministry such as an orphanage, where I work hands on with the kids, but also where I minister and work with the teams that come... I would be so "in my element."

And then there was Delmy... I dont know how that girl has such a place in my heart, but she does- I think we somehow connected on Sunday- now when she sees me she calls out to me, and always wants hugs, she trusts me... and she doesn't act like this with anyone.

Considering my calling...

I'll turn my back on every other love and I'll press on...

Currently the lyrics to a Misty Edwards song have been resonating with me a lot...

I will waste my life, I'll be tested and tried
With no regrets inside of me to find I'm at Your feet

I'll leave my father's house and I'll leave my mother,
I'll leave all I have known and I'll have no other

I am in love with You, There is no cost
I am in love with You ,There is no loss
I am in love with You, I want to take Your name
I am in love with You, I want to cling to You Jesus
Just let me cling to You Jesus

I'll say goodbye to my father my mother
I'll turn my back on every other love and
I'll press on yes I'll press on

Basically that says it all- I'm leaving everything I know and love, but dont really see it as a loss, I know I'll be tested and tried.... but as long as I'm at His feet I'm where I want to be.